Far Different Places

Justin

Our 4th and last son born to us.

Our son that never took a breath on this earth

and only made it 6 months into the pregnancy.

Our son who would have been 7 this year.

Justin

Our son who I have been thinking about
a lot this week.

This post is dedicated to our son

Justin

Because without him we would have
never thought to venture out on this journey to

Far Different Places.


To give you a little background about this song I thought
I would include some posts I wrote during our fostering
of Nevaeh.

For a long time I tried to convince myself that this was her song.
And the song can apply to her too.

But no matter how hard I tried to make this song
be something different
it has always been about the journey we would
take with a child that has Down syndrome.

My heart has known this for a very long time.

In December of 2005 I had a discussion with a lady at church.
She was 40 and had just found out she was pregnant.

I told her how I was feeling like we were suppose to have
another child but just kept pushing it aside.

She told me I had better listen or otherwise I would
end up like her and be over 40 and pregnant.

I remembering crying as I told her I just couldn't
"because I was so sure I was going to have a child with Down syndrome"
and after my last pregnancy I just wasn't sure I could do it again.

(From Our Journey with Nevaeh - How we came to adopt)

Luckily, Steve went to the doctor's visit with me on Friday, August 29, 2003, because it was on that day we learned our baby no longer had a heartbeat. We were told we had several options. We decided we would have the baby at the hospital, but we had to wait until Tuesday because it was Labor Day Weekend.

We went in early on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 to have me induced. It was a strange feeling going to a hospital to have a baby that we knew was not coming home with us. It was the same hospital we had gone to two times before and brought home two beautiful healthy baby boys. We had had the whole weekend to grieve and come to terms with what was happening, but it was hard to walk through the door of the delivery room and see that there was a picture of a leaf with a teardrop on it. This picture was to notify all workers that the person in the delivery room was not having a live baby.

The staff was wonderful and I remember the nurse being so upset that she had to leave me at 7:00 p.m. because her shift had ended and I still had not delivered. She was in tears when she left. Luckily, I was not in much physical pain. I just wanted to have it over with so I could grieve and get on with things. The nurse was very surprised when she came back at 7:00 a.m. the next morning and I still had not delivered. I don't remember the exact time I delivered and I will not go into detail about it, but I never want to relive that again. It was the most painful delivery I ever had, and I have had a 9 pound baby. I remember sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking. 

Blog Post August 2008

About 10 years ago I went to a fireside where Janice Kapp Perry was the speaker. She spoke of an album (yes that is what they called them back then) she had written for people who had children with special needs. I went and purchased the tape to send to a friend who had a child that had been diagnosed with Autism. I never ended up mailing the tape because life got busy for me as it always does. So I put the tape up and forgot about it.


Then one day several months after we lost our 4th son, I found the tape and listened to it in the car. I had an overwhelming feeling that Heavenly Father had a daughter for us with special needs. This thought frightened me because I thought it was a Down syndrome baby ( baby with Down syndrome would be the correct way to say this) and I wasn't sure I could handle it. Again I put the tape away and forgot about it.

A few months after we moved here, I again found the tape and listened to it. Steve and I had been discussing if we should have more children but we never felt like we got an answer to try again so we dropped it. When I found the tape, I again felt like there was a daughter for us with special needs. Again it scared me because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. Again the tape got put away. 




Far Different Places 

A husband, a wife, a simple plan for life --Love in our home, A child of our own. 

Then a lullaby tune from a hospital room - As hushed voices whispered the news. Just a simple exchange, yet everything changed - And I think in that moment we knew.

Our journey would take us to far different places then we had ever dreamed.

 Our journey would take us to sad, lonely places that some have never seen. 

Places with a different kind of beauty, a special place apart. Touching far different places in our hearts. 

A woman, a man, a very different plan - Blessing to earn, and so much to learn. 

For this child that we love, entrusted to us, would help us be all we could be. 

God made no mistake, and though our hearts ached, He touched us and helped us to see.

Our journey would take us to far different places then we had ever dreamed.

Our journey would take us to sad, lonely places that some have never seen. 

Places with a different kind of beauty, a special place apart. Touching far different places in our hearts. 

So Justin

8 years ago your mother would have never dreamed
she would have the courage to foster a child for
18 months, drop that child off at a halfway house and leave her for the weekend.
All the while thinking that this child that she had loved for
for so long was now going back to a horrible situation.

(video I made of Nevaeh when she started overnight visits and we thought she was leaving)


8 years ago your mother would have never dreamed
that 2 years later she would have the courage to
cross the ocean and adopt a child
with Down syndrome and
tackle the overwhelming challenge of
International Adoption.

The very thing in which she begged the Lord not to challenge her with.

 (music to Far Different Places)


Justin

Thank you for giving your mother the courage to do these things.

And although I never had the chance to hear you cry or
watch you grow, I am so grateful to God for allowing me to be your mother.

Because of you I have found the courage to do things I never would have dreamed possible.