I realized that a lot of people who read this blog do not know much
about our back story.
Today, April 22nd is a very special day for our family.
On April 22, 2010 we adopted this beautiful little girl from the
San Diego Foster Care System.
If you would like to read more about that special day you can do so here.
The journey to adopt Nevaeh was a long and difficult one.
Basically because we weren't really supposed to adopt her.
That was not the purpose of her being placed with us.
She was our foster child.
That meant our job was to love her and take care of her
until her birth parents were capable of doing so.
We had been told that a typical reunification process would take between
6 to 12 months.
And worst case would be 18 months.
We were asked by our agency, Angels, to agree to foster
any child we took into our home for the duration of their time in foster care to help
avoid Reactive Attachment Disorder and to make sure the child
was receiving the best care possible from not being moved around from
home to home.
We agreed and picked up Nevaeh when she was 2 1/2 months old.
This sweet little baby had been shaken and neglected.
Her birth mother had 4 other children that had been taken away
and she had a track record for being in and out of jail and
drug problems.
Of course my first thought was how could anyone ever give this precious baby
back to anyone who would hurt her.
Over the next 18 months I learned to accept her birth parents for who they were.
There were times they drove me crazy but I learned that I had no right to judge them.
Their lives were so different than mine and they loved this little girl.
My problem was I loved her too.
How do you not fall in love with a child that lives with you
24/7 that you picked up when they only weighed 8 pounds and you
taught how to crawl and walk and talk and eat?
But no matter how much I loved her the fact remained the same that
she was NOT my daughter.
She had 2 parents who loved her dearly.
And even if I didn't think they were the best parents in the world
the fact that they were her parents was all that mattered.
I tried hard to make sure I would pray that whatever was in her
best interest would happen and that I would be able to handle it when it finally did.
In April 2009 she was scheduled to start doing overnight visits.
It had been 16 months since we had picked her up and she had only ever
slept in our house since then.
But on Mother's Day I packed her up with her stuff and drove her down
to San Diego to stay 2 nights with her parents.
I made this video for her as I tried to deal with the fact that I
was going to have to say goodbye.
Words cannot even explain how I felt that Mother's Day as I
watched the joy in her Mother's heart for having done so well to be able
to get her daughter back to finally spend the night with her,
but how I cringed at the fact that it was at the half-way house with 4 other
recovering drug addicts.
Neveah clung to me as I tried to drop her off and looked up at me
with her big hazel eyes trying to figure out why I was leaving her here.
She had been on visits many times with them but she
sensed something was different.
I left her and bawled all the way home.
I begged God to protect her.
To make sure that her parent's didn't get in a fight like usual
and that they didn't to high and do something really bad to her.
I had to just leave it up to him and no that it was out of my control.
Many things happened over the course of the next few months
and things were not going as well for her parents.
But her social worker told me that she had no idea how a judge would rule.
There would be a trial and I would have to get up and testify
about how I felt her parents were doing.
My heart ached at the thought of getting up in front of her birth
parents to say that I knew they loved her but that they had so many issues I did
not feel they were fit to parent her.
(I am not going into detail as to why but there were many issues that even the baby lawyer was concerned)
But on July 18, 2009 I got a miracle I had never expected.
Her parents called to ask us to adopt her.
They asked that they still be allowed to see her but that they would
relinquish their rights instead of going to trial.
A load of relief and guilt swept over me that day.
I had got the daughter I always wanted.
But they had lost one they had always wanted.
So the next time the thought of adoption came into my mind I wanted to
make sure I would never have to repeat the pain I felt of having to let go of a child I had fallen in love with.
I chose a sweet little Russian girl with Down syndrome.
One that no one else wanted.
One that I would not have to worry about having to lose.
On July 18, 2012, Steve and I walked into an orphanage and met our new
soon to be daughter for the first time.
We had three whole days to love on her and watch her
little personality blossom.
Yet her I am nine months later making the same video again.
This time to say goodbye to Natasha.
The meeting that was held last week did not go well
and we have been told that our government will no longer
be trying to negotiate in our behalf.
This time I did not get my miracle.
This time a little girl will not be getting adopted but will be living
out the rest of her days in an institution.
All because of politics.
I made this video to say goodbye to her.
Although she will never see it.
Nor will she ever know the reason why her mommy and daddy
didn't come back for her.
Sometimes life stinks and isn't at all fair.
Today is one of those bittersweet days for me where I am so grateful
for one daughter's adoption but grieving the loss of another daughter who
will never know the love of parents.
This video is dedicated to my sweet Natasha.
May the Lord protect you and love you until we meet again one day.
