Both Her Mother's Love

Happy Mother's Day 

This is going to be one those hard post for me to write 

but one I have been thinking about writing for a very long time.

I have not done the drawing for the My Memories Software yet

but promise to do so tomorrow. 

Tonight I wish to share with you the feelings of my heart.

So that I can document them for my daughter to read someday.

In 2008 my views on Mother's Day changed.

I had always grown up having a mother and I had no problem 

becoming a mother. 

So I  never took much thought to be considerate of those

who may not be so fortunate.

But in 2008 that all changed.

For the first time I was exposed to what it would be like

to have been a mother but not allowed to parent your child.

I took Nevaeh on that Sunday to visit her birthmother at rehab. 

There were many other woman there who did not have visits that day.

I could see the hurt and anguish in their eyes as they watched

Mommy M visit with Nevaeh. 

And I was torn. 

Torn because I wanted to be her mother. 

I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to feed her, cleaned up

her throw up and calmed her when she was frightened. 

But I was not her mother. 

I was only her caretaker. 

So that Mother's Day in 2008 I saw and felt a lot of pain. 

2009 was one of the worst Mother's Day of my life.

I had been the primary caretaker through the foster care system

 for Nevaeh for almost 18 months. 

Other than visiting with her birth parents for a few hours a week 

I was really the only mother she knew. 

Yet on Mother's Day afternoon

I did the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.

I packed her bags and took her to spend 2 nights 

with her birth parents at the halfway house. 

There is no way I would ever be able to explain the pain

I felt in my heart that day nor to explain the look of excitement

and pure joy on her birth parent's faces. 

I did not feel comfortable leaving her in their care. 

It was not my choice. 

I had no say. 

I was just her caretaker. 

Not her mother. 

So I went home and cried myself to sleep. 

A few weeks before I had won a book with a CD

called From My Arm's To God's Arms to Yours.

I had heard the most beautiful song that I knew would never apply to my situation.

It talked about a birth mother who chose to give her child to 

another person to raise. 

I was in a different situation. 

The only way I would become Nevaeh's mother would be by force.

What a depressing way to become a mother. 

What a horrible way to no longer be a mother. 

Her birth mother had been through that scenario 4 other times. 

She was doing better this time. 

Trying hard to keep it all together.

Wanting so badly to be the mother that Nevaeh deserved.

I had extreme guilt for even thinking about wanting to be the mother

of this little girl.

It didn't matter that I had raised and loved her for almost 18 months.

I was not her mother. 

The turn of events that happened right before court in July 2009 

are something I will never forget. 

Almost the exact words of the song in the book I had

received were said to me over the phone. 

I was to get the wish of my heart while someone else

would have to live with the emptiness and void 

of many many Mother's Days to come.

I would now have the incredible responsibility of not only 

providing this child with my love but 

providing her with both her mother's love.

I vowed that I would take her to spend Mother's Day with her

birth mother even after the adoption was final as long as 

I deemed the situation to be safe. 

That was wonderful for 2010 and 2011. 

But this year it did not happen. 

This year I have yet to hear from her birth mother but am dreading 

the phone call when I do. 

This year I will have to break her heart once again 

and even though it breaks mine to do so 

and I do not judge her for her decisions I cannot at this time 

do so knowing that it is an unsafe environment to take Nevaeh into.

I envy those people who have the birth mother over to their homes. 

The ones who have friend relationships. 

But there are days I have to snap out of my fantasy and remember

why it was Nevaeh was placed in our care to begin with. 

Why it is her mother had 4 other children taken away. 

And although I will always love her in my own way

and tell Nevaeh time appropriate things about her

I am afraid the time has come for now to stop our 

visits. 

And I know it will break her heart. 

So this Mother's Day I will once again

think of those who have lost children, who have had children taken away,

who have decided to place children in a loving home, and who are not 

able to have biological children of their own. 

Because although Mother's Day is a day to honor Mother's

there are many many women out there in pain on this day. 

And my prayer is that we can all take the time to be a little more 

compassionate to those who may not care for Mother's Day.

And I will continue to pray for those children 

who do not have mothers or 

who have mothers like me desperately trying to bring them home 

but stuck in an imperfect world where love is not always all you need. 

Praying that next Mother's Day our child and many others will know the joy of 

having a mother. 

( I used the kit Birds and Blossom Combo Pack for my scrapbook pages)