I Dreamed a Dream

Today is Natasha's 7th birthday. 

Today was supposed to be a day of Celebrating and Rejoicing. 

Last year on her 6th birthday, I dreamed of what it would be like this year taking 

her to Disneyland to celebrate. 

But today we are not Celebrating. 

Today we are not Rejoicing. 

Today we are heartbroken. 

I have gone back and forth, and back and forth about sharing 

my true emotions and feelings with the world. 

Emotions are funny things. 

I know that I am supposed to be happy and grateful for the 

things I have been blessed with in this life. 

I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy but that sometimes

things happen in our lives that don't leave us feeling happy or grateful. 

Last Friday an atrocious senseless act happened. 

And the world is mourning this week. 

And I mourn with them. 

But my heart is broken for other reasons too. 

Reasons the world does not join in with me. 

Reasons that some people just don't understand. 

You see, 

two years ago I fell in love with a little girl 

and she stole a piece of my heart. 

So much so that 

six months later I decided to try add her to 

 our family. 

In July of this year we were finally able to travel to meet her. 

 The connections we made on that day were incredible. 

And although she is not legally my daughter 

She is my daughter in my heart. 

These last 5 months have been hard.

We have had to redo paperwork, take additional training, 

redo physicals and much more.

But I gladly did them knowing that the reward at the end
would be so much more than the pain that had been endured. 

I have anxiously awaited the day we would be allowed to go back to court

to tell the judge just how much we love and want this little girl to be a part of our family. 

I have grown tired and my faith has been shaken. 

I have understood most of the things her government is wanting 

to do to protect the children from being harmed once

they are adopted. 

It has not been easy but I have understood.

I have understood that they want more of their citizens to adopt
and that they want to make sure that there is no other place for these children.

I am a firm believer that a child should stay with their biological parents
whenever it is possible.

I believe that children should grow up in their native country when possible.

But these things are not possible for this little girl.

And the older she gets the less likely her chances are of ever
leaving the institution. 

So today, 

today there are really no words for how I feel 

other than pure anger. 

The dream I have dreamed for 2 years now

is very likely not to come true. 

And it has nothing to do with safety issues or concerns for the children. 

It has to do purely with politics. 

I want to be able to hold onto hope. 

I want to believe that all will end well. 

But today I am exhausted. 

Today my heart and arms ache to hold a little girl 

that will once again spend her birthday alone. 

There will be no cake or candles. 

There will be no presents. 

There will be no trip to Disneyland. 

There will be no mom and dad to hold her and tell her she is 

loved and she is special. 

So although she has never legally been my daughter my 

heart aches so much it is hard to breathe. 

Because in my heart she is my daughter and

she always will be. 

And the sorrow I feel today I cannot put into words.

I know I should not feel this way.

I know I am supposed to have hope and faith and
count my blessings and be grateful for all I have.

I know all of this.

But my heart aches.

My arms ache.

Please pray for a miracle for us and all the other families and
children who may never be together. 

I found this video the other day and it pretty much sums up my feelings. 

And still I dream she'll come to me

that we will live the years together. 

But there are dreams that cannot be

and there are storms we cannot weather. 

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed.

Now life has killed the dream I dream. 

(If we are not allowed to complete our adoption, any money that has been donated will be given to another family adopting from a different country. If you would like your donation back I can do that too)