Our Never Ending Journey

This post may not make a lot of sense as I have so many feelings

I want to express and I am not exactly sure how to go about doing it. 

For some reason I have a lot to blog about when I lay my head on my pillow 

at night but when I actually sit down at the computer to type them 

they all get jumbled up. 

I try to hold all my pain inside and pretend like I have managed

to move on with my life. 

But in reality, 

every moment of every single day my 

thoughts are consumed with the thought of Natasha

and how she should be home with us. 

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is try to remember

if I was able to visit with her in my dreams. 

Sometimes I am fortunate and will remember playing

with her like she made it home to be a part of our family. 

But most mornings there is just an empty feeling. 

Like someone is still missing with no hope or

end in sight. 

I can clearly remember this day in July two years ago. 

It had been a very frustrating 8 months. 

There had been so many rumors flying around as to 

why some families that were trying to adopt from St. Petersburg

had not been allowed to get their referrals. 

There was so much fear and so many horrible things

being said that I had been trying to just lay low and patiently wait it out. 

There had even been a rumor that one of my good friends had flown 

all the way to St. Petersburg and was denied being able to met

a child at all. 

Private letters and messages from secret groups were being posted

publicly on blogs and FB pages and a small part of me was beginning to 

wonder if there was something going on different than what I was 

being told by my agency. 

Yet I knew that my friend had indeed met the little girl they were trying to adopt 

and I kept being assured that I was next to get a referral date. 

So I sat patiently waiting to hear news of a travel date. 

(who am I kidding, I have never sat patiently) 

We normally received emails on Monday mornings so when Monday 

once again passed with no word I was devastated but

surprisingly shocked when I woke up on Tuesday morning with this message

Hi Katrina!

You have an appointment on July 18th! 

We need to plan your travel meeting (either this Thurs evening or next Tues the 10th), and you should contact Marina at Panorama Travel to obtain your visa's (tourist).

Congratulations!

I read and reread that email at least 5 times before I called my husband 

jumping up and down with excitement. 

I wanted to make sure I had not made it up. 

I needed to be in Russia in 14 days and they were one day ahead of us. 

So really, I needed to leave for Russia in 13 days. 

With all the drama that had been going on we decided it was best to not announce

anything publicly even though I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. 

We would let this one creepy person who thought they knew everything continue

to think that no one from our agency was being allowed to travel

and only let immediate friends and family know we were finally headed to Russia. 

Sitting here tonight I can't believe that all happened two years ago. 

I sometimes wonder what the day would have been like if I knew what 

the real outcome was going to be. 

I could hardly think straight that day yet I had to get visas, airline tickets

and hotel accommodations taken care of plus get ready for a 

4th of July Party we were having the next day. 

We were finally going to meet our girl and our happy ending would 

be just around the corner. 

But alas there would be no happy ending. 

Instead I would find myself sitting in the dark writing a blog post two years

later about Our Never Ending Journey. 

I have never had anyone real close to me die before so I 

truly hope I do not offend those who have 

but this has been a worse than death type experience for me. 

The reason being is that there is no real closure. 

There is still a child I love that is very much alive stuck in an orphanage

far away that I will never see again

yet somewhere in the back of my mind there is HOPE. 

I sometimes wonder if I could have done something more to change things. 

Every waking moment of every single day I think that maybe 

just maybe things will change in the near future and somehow 

we will be reunited. 

I don't know why

but some days it's the HOPE that wounds me.

It's the HOPE that doesn't allow me to move on and try to 

imagine my life without her. 

Because she lives. 

Alone. 

In an orphanage. 

With no mom or dad. 

Stuck. 

And my brain just cannot understand that concept. 

How can a child that is wanted stay stuck in an orphanage

when she has parents who would get her in a heartbeat if there was no

law preventing them from doing so? 

How is it that people can be so cruel as to tell us we don't 

really love this child and that she is not our daughter

when no one else has ever stepped forward to claim her as such? 

There are some days I wish I could go back to that day in July 

and change things. 

That somehow the creepy person could have been right and instead of getting 

a travel date I would have gotten an email stating that 

our agency was no longer allowed to send families for referrals. 

I wonder if the pain would be less if I had never met her. 

If she had not sat upon my lap and kissed my cheek. 

If I had not softly stroked her head when she ran into the wall

or had not laughed with her when she threw the ball. 

But then I think how this one little orphan girl got to be loved

and feel special for 3 whole days. 

That for the first time in her 6 years someone came to visit her 

and brings gifts just for her. 

That someone taught her how to communicate and cared about 

what she wanted and thought. 

If our time with her for those 3 days brought her any joy at all

then it is all worth the pain and heartache I feel every single moment 

of every single day. 

Someday, somehow she will know that she was in our thoughts

and hearts and we loved her from thousands of miles away.

Our journey will forever be our never ending journey. 

Because no matter how hard I have tried 

there is just is no moving on or getting over her. 

She will live in my heart and dance in my dreams until the day we meet again.