Learning to Push through the Grief

I haven't posted in what seems like forever. 

I am not even sure why I am posting anything today. 

I have so many mixed emotions that I am not sure I can really even put 

them into words. 

I was thinking about Justin the other day. 

I was thinking about the grieving process I went through when we lost him. 

It seemed so much simpler. 

A child that had been growing inside of my had died. 

There was no hope of him coming back. 

There was the day I found out he had died and the day I had him. 

There was closure. 

I am struggling with how to push through the grief of this failed adoption. 

For almost 2 years I have thought of little else other than adding this precious little girl to 

our family. 

I have purchased clothes for her, got her room ready and talked to my other

children about the changes we would need to make once she came home. 

We have put family trips and vacations on hold. 

We pretty much put our lives on hold.

Holding our breath to see when we would be going back to Russia for court. 

My most commonly used phrase when asked to commit to something would be

"Sure, as long as we aren't in Russia"
Because we really had no idea when we would be going back. 

My life consisted of paperwork and some paperwork and a lot more paperwork 

And when not doing paperwork I was running to LA and back getting

paperwork apostilled. 

The realization that no matter how much her orphanage and countrymen want me to come

back and adopt her, but that her government is not going to allow it, is finally sinking in. 

The will punish all the parents and all the children because of the evil done by 

a few. 

So I am left here trying to figure out how to push through my grief. 

How do I move on? 

She's not dead. 

But my grief feels worse than it did when Justin died. 

Because when Justin died I knew he was not in pain. 

But 

Is she sad?

Is she warm? 

Is she sick? 

Did she get enough to eat? 

Did someone comfort her when she fell down? 

Does she wonder why we didn't come back when we said we would?

These are all the thoughts that go through my mind nightly when I try to sleep. 

So,

How do I move on knowing there is a little girl with part of my heart 

on the other side of the ocean? 

In our last ditch effort to be able to say we did all we could do to 

bring her home, we joined a lawsuit fighting for her rights to a family. 

Chances are nothing will come of it. 

Her government is so mad right now. 

And they say they are making changes to help more of their citizens adopt. 

The changes I would love to see is that children with Down syndrome,

like Natasha, are able to stay with their birth families. 

That their society would accept these children for what they

are capable of and that the government would provide resources for them. 

I have had people ask me if I am afraid that Natasha will be adopted by someone in Russia. 

Honesty, if a loving family with the right resources was able to come forward and 

adopted Natasha I would praise God. 

All the abandonment issues and worry that I have would be released

and I would be able to mourn the loss of her being our daughter and move on. 

But if a family came forward to adopt her just to collect the new incentive money 

that her government is now offering, I would cringe. 

She would be better off staying in her institution than going to a family 

who just wanted to adopt her to get the money and didn't really love her. 

So again, 

here I am trying to figure out how to push through the grief. 

Learning to push forward with day to day living that no longer

includes planning another trip back to Russia. 

Learning to try and act happy so that my family gets to enjoy life and trying 

not to feel guilty if I do let myself forget for just one moment and allow myself 

time to be happy. 

I am including the video I made for Natasha from our visits with her. 

One of the comments the ombudsman keeps making is that these children 

did not bond with us at all. 

That they do not care if we come back for them. 

But when I watch this video I see something far different. 

I see a little girl who knew why we were there. 

A little girl that understood that she was going to be loved 

and that she was getting a family.

So if I had the opportunity to talk to Mr. Pavel Atkhov this is what I would say. 

Please Mr. Pavel Astkhov, 

 watch our video and see how much we wanted this little girl to 

have a good family and how much she enjoyed our attention. 

And if you won't allow us to be that family,

please find a really good one for her. 

She is bright and funny and loving. 

We just want her to be happy and loved. 

We do not hate Russia, or it's people. 

But we do not understand your law. 

We did everything that was asked of us. 

We were invited to come to your country and meet this child. 

We were asked if we wanted to adopt her even though she 

has disabilities. 

We said yes and came home to gather the rest of our paperwork and worked
hard to make sure it was what made your judges happy. 

We would have been an amazing family for her. 

She would have had brothers and a sister who would have loved her

and helped her accomplish many things. 

Here is a link to a video showing children just like her that were adopted from 

Russia and grew in love. 

We understand that some horrible people in America have hurt
your children and you want that to change.

But we are sad for those children who will never have the chance to
know the love of a family in the meantime and the majority of Americans love
their Russian children.

If you won't allow us to love her, 

please find someone who you approve of who will. 

Because my heart will never be able to heal 

knowing that she could have had a family 

and now will grow up without love

all because we are Americans. 

We have found Peace

I would like to say that the reason we have found peace

is because we have some wonderful news to share,

but unfortunately

there is no good news.

But the last few days I have been able to 

come to peace with what is going on. 

I'm not really even sure why. 

All I know is that we have decided to put it all in God's hands. 

There is nothing more that we can do. 

We will be fasting on Sunday that God's will be done 

concerning our adoption and that we will 

be able to accept it whatever the outcome. 

We know that a new bill has been brought forward

that would allow special needs adoptions to continue. 

But things usually move very slow over there

so I do not think that this bill will be of much help to us. 

We will still be fasting that this bill passes as so many children 

like Natasha will have no hope if it doesn't. 

We know that people in our region are working on 

rallying in our behalf so that we might be able to finish our adoption

but there is no guarantee that they will be able to do anything for us. 

So we are back to waiting again. 

We should be pretty good at it by now. 

I would like to add that Natasha is in a very nice place. 

She is being well taken care of and although the director has said

he would love for all of his children to have families to love them

we know that she is safe and taken care of.

We also know that we have the prays and well wishes 

from her caregivers that we will be back for her. 

We know that her chances of being adopted if we do not go back for her

are pretty bleak. 

Only one other child has ever been adopted out of her institution 

and he was adopted by an American family. 

In a Utopian world the best thing would be for Natasha's biological 

parents to take her home. 

But there are very few resources there for children with Down syndrome. 

I still pray that someday the mentality will change and that people there will 

be able to keep their children with disabilities or that more

families there will step up to adopt them. 

But right now my heart is praying for one little girl. 

The little girl that I held and the little girl I love. 

It is still my hope that someday she will be able to come home

and today I am holding onto that hope. 

I Dreamed a Dream

Today is Natasha's 7th birthday. 

Today was supposed to be a day of Celebrating and Rejoicing. 

Last year on her 6th birthday, I dreamed of what it would be like this year taking 

her to Disneyland to celebrate. 

But today we are not Celebrating. 

Today we are not Rejoicing. 

Today we are heartbroken. 

I have gone back and forth, and back and forth about sharing 

my true emotions and feelings with the world. 

Emotions are funny things. 

I know that I am supposed to be happy and grateful for the 

things I have been blessed with in this life. 

I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy but that sometimes

things happen in our lives that don't leave us feeling happy or grateful. 

Last Friday an atrocious senseless act happened. 

And the world is mourning this week. 

And I mourn with them. 

But my heart is broken for other reasons too. 

Reasons the world does not join in with me. 

Reasons that some people just don't understand. 

You see, 

two years ago I fell in love with a little girl 

and she stole a piece of my heart. 

So much so that 

six months later I decided to try add her to 

 our family. 

In July of this year we were finally able to travel to meet her. 

 The connections we made on that day were incredible. 

And although she is not legally my daughter 

She is my daughter in my heart. 

These last 5 months have been hard.

We have had to redo paperwork, take additional training, 

redo physicals and much more.

But I gladly did them knowing that the reward at the end
would be so much more than the pain that had been endured. 

I have anxiously awaited the day we would be allowed to go back to court

to tell the judge just how much we love and want this little girl to be a part of our family. 

I have grown tired and my faith has been shaken. 

I have understood most of the things her government is wanting 

to do to protect the children from being harmed once

they are adopted. 

It has not been easy but I have understood.

I have understood that they want more of their citizens to adopt
and that they want to make sure that there is no other place for these children.

I am a firm believer that a child should stay with their biological parents
whenever it is possible.

I believe that children should grow up in their native country when possible.

But these things are not possible for this little girl.

And the older she gets the less likely her chances are of ever
leaving the institution. 

So today, 

today there are really no words for how I feel 

other than pure anger. 

The dream I have dreamed for 2 years now

is very likely not to come true. 

And it has nothing to do with safety issues or concerns for the children. 

It has to do purely with politics. 

I want to be able to hold onto hope. 

I want to believe that all will end well. 

But today I am exhausted. 

Today my heart and arms ache to hold a little girl 

that will once again spend her birthday alone. 

There will be no cake or candles. 

There will be no presents. 

There will be no trip to Disneyland. 

There will be no mom and dad to hold her and tell her she is 

loved and she is special. 

So although she has never legally been my daughter my 

heart aches so much it is hard to breathe. 

Because in my heart she is my daughter and

she always will be. 

And the sorrow I feel today I cannot put into words.

I know I should not feel this way.

I know I am supposed to have hope and faith and
count my blessings and be grateful for all I have.

I know all of this.

But my heart aches.

My arms ache.

Please pray for a miracle for us and all the other families and
children who may never be together. 

I found this video the other day and it pretty much sums up my feelings. 

And still I dream she'll come to me

that we will live the years together. 

But there are dreams that cannot be

and there are storms we cannot weather. 

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed.

Now life has killed the dream I dream. 

(If we are not allowed to complete our adoption, any money that has been donated will be given to another family adopting from a different country. If you would like your donation back I can do that too)

Sometimes I have a Bad Day

I have tried to keep most my blog post positive. 

But sometimes I have Bad Days and just feel like writing about them. 

I haven't blogged a lot lately because the Bad Days seem to outnumber the Good Days

and so I just sit around and sulk. 

But I want to remember this journey and I don't want to look back and only 

see fundraisers on my blog. 

So if you don't want to read about my Bad Day because you want

to believe that adoption is all Sunshine and Roses

here's your chance to stop reading. 

We have been on this journey to adopt Natasha for about 15 months now. 

When we started I had no idea it would take this long.

We assumed it would take between 9 to 12 months like the norm. 

I should have known that we as a family don't typically get to follow the norm. 

I mean, normally, when you foster a child they are either freed for adoption or

placed back with their families by 9 to 12 months. 

Not 2 years!

So here I was thinking we would be getting off easy with this adoption. 

I mean, I shouldn't be as emotionally attached, right? 

I have only spent 3 days with this little girl, it's not like she has lived in my house

for the past 15 months. 

But somehow it is still very hard. 

My arms ache to hold her and bring her home to a better life. 

I worry if she is warm enough or if she is sick and has anyone to comfort her. 

We finally turned our court paperwork in two weeks ago. 

I was so relieved and knew that most likely the judge would want changes 

but knew we would just knock them out when they came. 

What I didn't know is that they would come a little at a time.

Because of the new treaty we have been caught up in the new training requirements. 

We knew this could be a possibility and have been taking extra classes. 

We were also hopeful that our PRIDE classes we took for foster care could count. 

We have hit a new snag where not only do we have to show our certificates for our 

training but we have provide notarized licenses from the agencies that provided the training. 

On Thursday I drove 2 hours to San Diego to our old Foster Family Agency.

They signed their license for me in front of the notary and 

then I took it another 2 hours up to LA to be apostilled. 

I then drove home 2 1/2 hours in traffic. 

I had just done this trip to LA two weeks before. 

I mailed out what I was hoping to be the last of our court docs on Friday 

overnight mail. 

Today I received another email from our agency stating that there were

more changes to be made. 

More paper chasing and more driving to LA. 

I'm afraid I am exhausted today. 

I am beginning to think it will never end. 

Today I have just felt like screaming

"THAT"S IT. I GIVE UP"

Today the song lyrics from Wicked ring in my ears.

Something has changed within meSomething is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's game
I'm through accepting limits''cause someone says they're soSome things I cannot changeBut till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, it that's loveIt comes at much too high a cost!

I don't want to be a quitter but to say that I am 

very discouraged today would be a huge understatement. 

I remember last year wondering what I would dress the girls up for Halloween.

Nevaeh is going as Belle and Natasha was going to be Cinderella. 

Someone gave us a Cinderella costume and it is hanging in Natasha's closet waiting for her. 

But once again, she will not be home for Halloween and most likely will not be

home for Christmas either. 

So some of you reading this might just say

"Then why don't you just quit? Why not just give up?"

If it is that emotionally and financially draining than just quit.

This is why:

I recently read a friend of mine's blog and saw this picture of their family on Facebook.

You can read more about their amazing story here

This is what she put with the picture.

The Bible tells us to defend the defenseless, to protect the voiceless and to seek justice for the orphan. 

ALL children deserve a family, regardless of where they are born; regardless of what special needs they have; regardless of their skin color; regardless of their gender; regardless of their 

age.

Through adoption we see God’s redeeming work, the same redemption He offered us when He sent His Son to be crucified on the cross so we might be called the children of God.

Please look at these photos. Are you not a witness to God’s love, mercy and redemption? 

This is why I can't give up. 

This is why I continue to fight and hold on when all reason tells me to just walk away.

ALL children deserve a Family. 

Did you read that.

A FAMILY.

Yes, I could send money to an orphanage to help make living conditions better

for a lot of children. 

But I have seen it first hand. 

These children want A FAMILY.

Family is the most important thing to God. 

Taking care of the physical needs of children by providing them a good place 

to live is nice. 

But providing them with A FAMILY is God's plan for orphans. 

If you were to survey people and ask them what the most important thing is their life is

How many do you think would say "My Family".

Can you even imagine being a child and not having one? 

I can't save all the orphans in the world. 

I can't bring them all home.

But I can provide one little girl with A FAMILY. 

So I won't give up. 

I will continue to fight. 

I will continue to paper chase. 

I will continue to try and raise the last of the funds we need to get her home. 

And one day I will post a picture like the one above showing the before

and after of our daughter and the joy that comes from having A FAMILY. 

Dedicated to Justin

Last year I wrote this post to my son, Justin. Justin would have been 9 years old tomorrow. I thought I would repost it in honor of his birthday. Plus I was able to change the video to pictures of our actual journey to meet our soon to be daughter, Natasha.



Justin

Our 4th and last son born to us.

Our son that never took a breath on this earth

and only made it 6 months into the pregnancy.

Our son who would have been 8 this year.

Justin

Our son who I have been thinking about
a lot this week.

This post is dedicated to our son

Justin

Because without him we would have
never thought to venture out on this journey to

Far Different Places.


To give you a little background about this song I thought
I would include some posts I wrote during our fostering
of Nevaeh.

For a long time I tried to convince myself that this was her song.
And the song can apply to her too.

But no matter how hard I tried to make this song
be something different
it has always been about the journey we would
take with a child that has Down syndrome.

My heart has known this for a very long time.

In December of 2005 I had a discussion with a lady at church.
She was 40 and had just found out she was pregnant.

I told her how I was feeling like we were suppose to have
another child but just kept pushing it aside.

She told me I had better listen or otherwise I would
end up like her and be over 40 and pregnant.

I remembering crying as I told her I just couldn't
"because I was so sure I was going to have a child with Down syndrome"
and after my last pregnancy I just wasn't sure I could do it again.

(From Our Journey with Nevaeh - How we came to adopt)

Luckily, Steve went to the doctor's visit with me on Friday, August 29, 2003, because it was on that day we learned our baby no longer had a heartbeat. We were told we had several options. We decided we would have the baby at the hospital, but we had to wait until Tuesday because it was Labor Day Weekend.

We went in early on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 to have me induced. It was a strange feeling going to a hospital to have a baby that we knew was not coming home with us. It was the same hospital we had gone to two times before and brought home two beautiful healthy baby boys. We had had the whole weekend to grieve and come to terms with what was happening, but it was hard to walk through the door of the delivery room and see that there was a picture of a leaf with a teardrop on it. This picture was to notify all workers that the person in the delivery room was not having a live baby.

The staff was wonderful and I remember the nurse being so upset that she had to leave me at 7:00 p.m. because her shift had ended and I still had not delivered. She was in tears when she left. Luckily, I was not in much physical pain. I just wanted to have it over with so I could grieve and get on with things. The nurse was very surprised when she came back at 7:00 a.m. the next morning and I still had not delivered. I don't remember the exact time I delivered and I will not go into detail about it, but I never want to relive that again. It was the most painful delivery I ever had, and I have had a 9 pound baby. I remember sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking. 

Blog Post August 2008

About 10 years ago I went to a fireside where Janice Kapp Perry was the speaker. She spoke of an album (yes that is what they called them back then) she had written for people who had children with special needs. I went and purchased the tape to send to a friend who had a child that had been diagnosed with Autism. I never ended up mailing the tape because life got busy for me as it always does. So I put the tape up and forgot about it.


Then one day several months after we lost our 4th son, I found the tape and listened to it in the car. I had an overwhelming feeling that Heavenly Father had a daughter for us with special needs. This thought frightened me because I thought it was a Down syndrome baby ( baby with Down syndrome would be the correct way to say this) and I wasn't sure I could handle it. Again I put the tape away and forgot about it.

A few months after we moved here, I again found the tape and listened to it. Steve and I had been discussing if we should have more children but we never felt like we got an answer to try again so we dropped it. When I found the tape, I again felt like there was a daughter for us with special needs. Again it scared me because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. Again the tape got put away. 




Far Different Places 

A husband, a wife, a simple plan for life --Love in our home, A child of our own. 

Then a lullaby tune from a hospital room - As hushed voices whispered the news. Just a simple exchange, yet everything changed - And I think in that moment we knew.

Our journey would take us to far different places then we had ever dreamed.

 Our journey would take us to sad, lonely places that some have never seen. 

Places with a different kind of beauty, a special place apart. Touching far different places in our hearts. 

A woman, a man, a very different plan - Blessing to earn, and so much to learn. 

For this child that we love, entrusted to us, would help us be all we could be. 

God made no mistake, and though our hearts ached, He touched us and helped us to see.

Our journey would take us to far different places then we had ever dreamed.

Our journey would take us to sad, lonely places that some have never seen. 

Places with a different kind of beauty, a special place apart. Touching far different places in our hearts. 

So Justin

8 years ago your mother would have never dreamed
she would have the courage to foster a child for
18 months, drop that child off at a halfway house and leave her for the weekend.
All the while thinking that this child that she had loved for
for so long was now going back to a horrible situation.

(video I made of Nevaeh when she started overnight visits and we thought she was leaving)


8 years ago your mother would have never dreamed
that 2 years later she would have the courage to
cross the ocean and adopt a child
with Down syndrome and
tackle the overwhelming challenge of
International Adoption.

The very thing in which she begged the Lord not to challenge her with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1zloc6n-dk
(music to Far Different Places)


Justin

Thank you for giving your mother the courage to do these things.

And although I never had the chance to hear you cry or
watch you grow, I am so grateful to God for allowing me to be your mother.

Because of you I have found the courage to do things I never would have dreamed possible.

Day 4 of our Adventure

So the problem with writing about your adventures 3 weeks after you get home is there is a lot that you forget to write and you aren't really sure when it happened. So I am going to start out Day 4 with just some other stuff that happened on our trip.

I think we were pretty hungry after Day 3 and just wanted to eat food we knew we would like (comfort food). So we had our facilitator take us to Papa John's Pizza to pick up some pizza to go. Our driver and our facilitator both ended up ordering pizza to take home also. I don't normally care for Papa John's Pizza but I think this was the best pizza I had ever tasted. We took it back to our hotel and were going to eat in our room except they were cleaning it and putting in new mattresses.

Now, funny story about the mattresses. The first night we were there Steve complained that they were lumpy and he could feel the springs. I am on an adoption FB group and several people have joked that they feel spied on while in country. One couple spoke of being very thirsty and wondering if the water in the mini bar was the free water they were allowed to drink. While having the conversation there was a knock at the door and there stood someone with the free water for them. So when we came up to our room with our pizza and saw them replaces the mattresses with new ones it was a little unnerving at first. Then we went to a lobby area to eat and noticed they were replacing all of the mattresses. Guess it was just time to get new mattresses.

The next day was our last visit with Natasha. We asked when we got there if there was anyway we could just spy on her for a few minutes to see how she interacts with her group and her caregivers. They said that would be fine. We were still trying to figure out if her behavior from the day before was her normal behavior or if it was just from all the excitement of being the center of attention by 5 adults when you don't normally get any attention.

So we stepped outside to have a peek. But the minute we walked outside we could hear her calling for us and running towards us. So much for spying on her. What a wonderful feeling though. She knew we were there for her. We were her people and she had claimed us. There were 4 adults that came out that door but I was the one she ran to and I was the one who's hand she took to go out on the playground. Talk about melting a momma's heart.

At first they tried to get her to go back with her group but she was having none of that. We had come two days in a row to play with her and that was what she was going to do. So her caregiver gave her a ball to take over with us and we went to a separate play area. She took her ball to a little basketball hoop. We had to laugh as she had a sunhat on but underneath was the HUGE blue bow.

Next she decided that she was going to try going on the slide. But she made it seem like she had never done so before so we had to help her up the stairs and she would not come down unless we were there to catch her at the bottom.

And having a dad to help you climb up the stairs was even better. She had us played well. All the time making us believe she had never climbed up those stairs before and acting like she couldn't do it unless we were there to help her.

She played with us for about 20 minutes and then decided she wanted to go back over and be with her group. But what was interesting is that she motioned to us what she was doing. Almost like asking permission. We nodded our heads and said Da (yes). So off she went. We still had not seen her with her group or caregivers so we wanted to just watch and observe for a few minutes. As soon as she was back her caregiver told her she had forgot the ball over by us. So here she came running back to to get it. We noticed that she does not bend her knees when she runs. But she did exactly like she was asked and went to play some group ball games. They did that for about 10 minutes and then the children were back to just playing again. That's when we noticed our little monkey went right up the stairs of the other slide and hung on the bar like she had been doing it her whole life. Apparently she only needs help with that activity if we are around :)

A few minutes later she "asked" her caregiver if she could come back over by us. (By asked I mean she motioned to us). The caregiver said yes and over she came. We took out the crackers again and asked her if she wanted some. At first she would take them and then go walk back to the group. She did this several times. We weren't sure if she was thinking about sharing but we think we finally figured out she was making sure it was okay to eat them. She started to get a little hyper again so we decided to put them away. We weren't sure if that would be the end of our "friendship" or not. But she decided to stay and hang out with us even though we wouldn't give her anymore crackers. 

Next she decided she wanted to color. She also liked pulling out all the stuff in the backpack and then putting it all back in the backpack. She probably played that game for about 20 minutes. She would examine everything as she took it out and then would carefully place everything back in. And she would "ask" for help with getting the crayons back in the box. 

I love the look that Natasha and Steve are giving each other in this picture.

After the rearranging game I tried sitting her on my lap to do the sticker book again. I wasn't sure how she would do but she seemed to love it. We would look at the different objects with her pointing to which one she wanted and "asking" me what it was. At one point I leaned over and kissed her cheek. She then turned and kissed mine and played with my hair until my earrings caught her attention and almost got ripped out.

She decided to hop down and look at more books. She chose a different one and then climbed back up on my lap and made herself very comfortable. Like I said before, she knew we were her people. There was a little boy in her group who's parents come every weekend to get him or to visit him. She knows that some children have people. She knows that some of them get extra love and attention.

For almost 7 years this little one has had no one to call her people. She haa been moved several times and has never had visitors. No one to hold her on their lap and do sticker books with. No one to ask her if she wants to color or play ball. But when given the chance she wants her own people. She wants to be loved and cared for and to feel special.

Oh how it broke my heart to leave her that day.

When are time was up the director asked her to hug us goodbye. She ran to Steve and gave him a big ole hug and then ran off. Then the director must have told her to come back and hug me. So she did and then she turned and kissed my cheek. The director made sure to tell me that she did not tell her to do that. That she learned from sitting on my lap. In just a few short hours of visiting that is what she learned. That we were her people.

As we left, her and another little girl waved and blew kisses. We did not spend much time with the other children as it was discouraged. It would have broken my heart because just the time we spent leaving with them tugging on us and asking us questions made me feel so sad that so many of them will never know what it is like to have their own people. Many of them will never have anyone come and visit them and take them away to live in families.

My husband knows me and he knows my heart. As we were leaving he leaned over and said "Remember, just one. We can't save them all".

And he is right. We can't bring them all home. But I can yell for them. I can help raise money for those who wish to travel on this adventure like us.

God has changed my heart and I will never again be the same when I hear the word "orphan".

Day 3 of our Adventure

Our third day in Russia was July 19th. Once again we had a hard time sleeping much past 3:30 a.m. We stayed in bed until 5:30 a.m. and then got up and got ready for our physicals. We had done a lot of prep work in the US in hopes of making the physicals easier in Russia. But our doctor's office messed up on Steve's blood working and forgot to have him tested for HIV. So Steve had to fast because he still had blood work that needed to be done.

We arrived at the clinic around 9:00 a.m. We first went in and meet the director of the clinic. She was such a pleasant lady and made us feel right at home. I was offered something to eat and Steve was whisked off to have blood taken. Within a few minutes he was back and able to join me in eating the little treats.

The director told us that we should feel right at home because the room we were in was designed after the way they build them in California. She then proceeded to tell us about the swimming pool they had too. We thought she was being serious. Come to find out she was joking because the roof is flat instead of slanted and when it rains it collects so much water up top they refer to it as the swimming pool.

Then a doctor come in and asked us questions about our health. She then apologized that she would need to ask us questions for another doctor too because that doctor would not be in until later in the afternoon. Then we got to walk around and meet a few other doctors one being the psychiatrist. Our facilitator told us that he usually asks embarrassing questions so to be prepared. He graded a little test we had taken in the director's office and then asked us 2 more questions. After that he told our facilitator he knew we were a good family and that he liked us and that was it. We were done. Our facilitator was shocked. She said "Wow, I guess he really liked you. He normally asks more questions." So I guess we got off easy.

Now it was time to drive the hour out to the orphanage. The director asked if we would like a tour. I did but I knew that it would cut into our visiting time so I was a little sad about that. But it was nice to see the orphanage and all the programs they have for the older children there. They are very big into the Special Olympics and even have an Olympic size indoor swimming pool.

After the tour was finished they brought Natasha to us. This time she was very excited to see us. She was wearing her big blue bow again with a pretty dress they had thrown over her play clothes. For some reason they had put us in an area that wasn't really even a room. It had a few coaches but was on a hard floor and right next to stairs and an elevator.

We brought out a small ball for Natasha to play with and it really wound her up. She was so excited and acting really hyper. She even hit her head on the corner of the wall while trying to get the ball and she just laughed about it. It broke my heart that she didn't cry and later I noticed she had a huge knot and bruise on her head from it. I am posting some pictures here that I don't feel I need to put a flower over her face because they are just side views and mostly just pictures of a big blue bow :)

We tried to calm her down by having her play with the iPad but that was not a good idea at all. She really didn't know what to do with it and at one point threw it at us. Not trying to be mean just trying to be funny.

She may look like she is being good with it here but a few minutes later she was pounding on the keyboard and slapping at the screen and trying to throw it on the floor. Just look at that mischievousness little smile.

So we decided to put it away and try crackers. It was fun to watch her sign crackers and more. For crackers she decided she needed to pull up her sleeves so she could find her elbow. That is why her arm is bent and her sleeve is up.

Here I am trying to clean her up after her cracker eating and she is letting me know that she needs her mouth wiped too. She thought the wipes were a great toy and at one point starting mopping the floor with them. So we had to hide those also.

I love this picture of Steve and I. I don't think we could have looked any happier.

Next we brought out the sticker book and that was a big hit. I taught her more sign language and she had a great time mimicking the sounds we would make.

Our visit was only about one hour and we were exhausted by the time it was finished. We determined that the next day we would try and visit her in her natural environment. We could see so much potential in her and loved how she would light up when we taught her something new. She has stolen our hearts and we can't wait until we get to go back and bring her home with us so she can learn so much more and reach her full potential.