Feeling "Wicked"

Look out Washington DC

Here I come

And I am feeling "Wicked"

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules 

of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes:  

and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits

cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

but till I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of 

losing love I guess I've lost

Well if that's love it comes at much to high a cost

I'd sooner try defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the Western sky

As someone told me lately

Everyone deserves the chance to fly!

And if I'm flying solo

at last I'm flying free

To those who ground me

take a message back from me

Tell them how I am defying gravity

I'm flying high defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown

And NO BODY in all of OZ

No Wizard that there is or was

IS EVERY GOING TO BRING ME DOWN!!!!

An Easy Way for you to Help

Many people have felt helpless during the adoption ban. 

There is an easy way you can help our family and the children

stuck in the adoption ban. 

Next week there will be families going to DC to meet with their Senators to ask them to make sure

Kerry and President Obama talk with the Russian Government 

in their upcoming meetings about the adoption ban and 

what they can do to get these children home. 

Please take the time to sign this letter. 

Everyone in your house, who is of voting age, may sign their own letter. 

It will be printed off and given to your Senators in DC next week. 

We need people to email this, share it on Facebook, Tweet

and blog to make sure we have thousands of letters to present next week. 

Our government needs to know that it is not just the families who were

trying to adopt that care about these children. 

Please take the time to sign this. 

It won't take more than 2 minutes of your day. 

You do not have to download or print anything off. 

Just type in your name, email address and home address and the 

letter will be sent to the organizer of the letter campaign. 

She will make sure it gets into the right hands next week. 

You can find out more information on this blog

or this Facebook Page.

President Obama and President Putin have yet to met and discuss 

the adoption ban. They are meeting in June and we need to make sure

the ban is on the agenda.  

All talks before this have been done with other government 

agencies. 

It is our last hope that these two men at the top can work 

things out and allow those of us stuck in the process to continue with our adoptions.

But we need our Senators to urge President Obama to make this a priority. 

You can help us accomplish that by signing and sharing this letter. 

https://secure.echosign.com/public/hostedForm?formid=5IZKWFV2I644FE

We appreciate all of you for your support in helping us get Natasha home. 

For Good/Adoption Day

I realized that a lot of people who read this blog do not know much 

about our back story. 

Today, April 22nd is a very special day for our family. 

On April 22, 2010 we adopted this beautiful little girl from the 

San Diego Foster Care System. 

If you would like to read more about that special day you can do so here. 

The journey to adopt Nevaeh was a long and difficult one. 

Basically because we weren't really supposed to adopt her. 

That was not the purpose of her being placed with us. 

She was our foster child. 

That meant our job was to love her and take care of her

until her birth parents were capable of doing so. 

We had been told that a typical reunification process would take between 

6 to 12 months. 

And worst case would be 18 months. 

We were asked by our agency, Angels, to agree to foster

any child we took into our home for the duration of their time in foster care to help 

avoid Reactive Attachment Disorder and to make sure the child

was receiving the best care possible from not being moved around from 

home to home. 

We agreed and picked up Nevaeh when she was 2 1/2 months old. 

This sweet little baby had been shaken and neglected. 

Her birth mother had 4 other children that had been taken away 

and she had a track record for being in and out of jail and 

drug problems. 

Of course my first thought was how could anyone ever give this precious baby

back to anyone who would hurt her. 

Over the next 18 months I learned to accept her birth parents for who they were. 

There were times they drove me crazy but I learned that I had no right to judge them. 

Their lives were so different than mine and they loved this little girl. 

My problem was I loved her too. 

How do you not fall in love with a child that lives with you 

24/7 that you picked up when they only weighed 8 pounds and you

taught how to crawl and walk and talk and eat? 

But no matter how much I loved her the fact remained the same that 

she was NOT my daughter. 

She had 2 parents who loved her dearly. 

And even if I didn't think they were the best parents in the world

the fact that they were her parents was all that mattered. 

I tried  hard to make sure I would pray that whatever was in her 

best interest would happen and that I would be able to handle it when it finally did. 

In April 2009 she was scheduled to start doing overnight visits. 

It had been 16 months since we had picked her up and she had only ever

slept in our house since then. 

But on Mother's Day I packed her up with her stuff and drove her down

to San Diego to stay 2 nights with her parents. 

I made this video for her as I tried to deal with the fact that I 

was going to have to say goodbye. 

Words cannot even explain how I felt that Mother's Day as I 

watched the joy in her Mother's heart for having done so well to be able 

to get her daughter back to finally spend the night with her,

but how I cringed at the fact that it was at the half-way house with 4 other

recovering drug addicts. 

Neveah clung to me as I tried to drop her off and looked up at me

with her big hazel eyes trying to figure out why I was leaving her here. 

She had been on visits many times with them but she

sensed something was different. 

I left her and bawled all the way home. 

I begged God to protect her. 

To make sure that her parent's didn't get in a fight like usual

and that they didn't to high and do something really bad to her. 

I had to just leave it up to him and no that it was out of my control. 

Many things happened over the course of the next few months 

and things were not going as well for her parents. 

But her social worker told me that she had no idea how a judge would rule. 

There would be a trial and I would have to get up and testify 

about how I felt her parents were doing. 

My heart ached at the thought of getting up in front of her birth 

parents to say that I knew they loved her but that they had so many issues I did

not feel they were fit to parent her. 

(I am not going into detail as to why but there were many issues that even the baby lawyer was concerned)

But on July 18, 2009 I got a miracle I had never expected. 

Her parents called to ask us to adopt her. 

They asked that they still be allowed to see her but that they would 

relinquish their rights instead of going to trial. 

A load of relief and guilt swept over me that day. 

I had got the daughter I always wanted. 

But they had lost one they had always wanted. 

So the next time the thought of adoption came into my mind I wanted to 

make sure I would never have to repeat the pain I felt of having to let go of a child I had fallen in love with. 

I chose a sweet little Russian girl with Down syndrome. 

One that no one else wanted. 

One that I would not have to worry about having to lose. 

On July 18, 2012, Steve and I walked into an orphanage and met our new

soon to be daughter for the first time. 

We had three whole days to love on her and watch her

little personality blossom.

Yet her I am nine months later making the same video again. 

This time to say goodbye to Natasha. 

The meeting that was held last week did not go well 

and we have been told that our government will no longer

be trying to negotiate in our behalf. 

This time I did not get my miracle. 

This time a little girl will not be getting adopted but will be living 

out the rest of her days in an institution. 

All because of politics. 

I made this video to say goodbye to her. 

Although she will never see it. 

Nor will she ever know the reason why her mommy and daddy 

didn't come back for her. 

Sometimes life stinks and isn't at all fair. 

Today is one of those bittersweet days for me where I am so grateful

for one daughter's adoption but grieving the loss of another daughter who 

will never know the love of parents. 

This video is dedicated to my sweet Natasha. 

May the Lord protect you and love you until we meet again one day.  

Fasting and Praying on Sunday, April 14th

Dear Friends and Family, 

As many of you know we are in the process of adopting a little girl with Down syndrome from Russia who we were finally able to meet in July of 2012. We were not able to complete our adoption because we did not get back for court before the ban on adoptions happened in December of 2012. 

A meeting between the US and Russian Governments will be held in a few weeks. We would love if you would join us in fasting and praying on April 14th that the hearts of all the leaders involved will be softened and that the two governments will work together for the good of the children involved.

There are approximately 300 children who met their prospective families that were told they were coming back for them. We are praying that negotiations can be made so that at the very least these children, who were promised families, can come home.

We appreciate all the love and support we have received so far and would love to be able to have Natasha come home and be a part of our family instead of growing up in a mental institution. We realize both governments will have to come together to make this happen, which will pretty much take a miracle - One we would love for all of you to be a part of. We would love to see if we can get at least 2,000 people fasting/praying for these children. Please share. 

Thank you for your support.

https://www.facebook.com/events/497945113605438/

If you do not have a FB account please leave us a comment here letting us know you will be able to join us on Sunday. 

Learning to Push through the Grief

I haven't posted in what seems like forever. 

I am not even sure why I am posting anything today. 

I have so many mixed emotions that I am not sure I can really even put 

them into words. 

I was thinking about Justin the other day. 

I was thinking about the grieving process I went through when we lost him. 

It seemed so much simpler. 

A child that had been growing inside of my had died. 

There was no hope of him coming back. 

There was the day I found out he had died and the day I had him. 

There was closure. 

I am struggling with how to push through the grief of this failed adoption. 

For almost 2 years I have thought of little else other than adding this precious little girl to 

our family. 

I have purchased clothes for her, got her room ready and talked to my other

children about the changes we would need to make once she came home. 

We have put family trips and vacations on hold. 

We pretty much put our lives on hold.

Holding our breath to see when we would be going back to Russia for court. 

My most commonly used phrase when asked to commit to something would be

"Sure, as long as we aren't in Russia"
Because we really had no idea when we would be going back. 

My life consisted of paperwork and some paperwork and a lot more paperwork 

And when not doing paperwork I was running to LA and back getting

paperwork apostilled. 

The realization that no matter how much her orphanage and countrymen want me to come

back and adopt her, but that her government is not going to allow it, is finally sinking in. 

The will punish all the parents and all the children because of the evil done by 

a few. 

So I am left here trying to figure out how to push through my grief. 

How do I move on? 

She's not dead. 

But my grief feels worse than it did when Justin died. 

Because when Justin died I knew he was not in pain. 

But 

Is she sad?

Is she warm? 

Is she sick? 

Did she get enough to eat? 

Did someone comfort her when she fell down? 

Does she wonder why we didn't come back when we said we would?

These are all the thoughts that go through my mind nightly when I try to sleep. 

So,

How do I move on knowing there is a little girl with part of my heart 

on the other side of the ocean? 

In our last ditch effort to be able to say we did all we could do to 

bring her home, we joined a lawsuit fighting for her rights to a family. 

Chances are nothing will come of it. 

Her government is so mad right now. 

And they say they are making changes to help more of their citizens adopt. 

The changes I would love to see is that children with Down syndrome,

like Natasha, are able to stay with their birth families. 

That their society would accept these children for what they

are capable of and that the government would provide resources for them. 

I have had people ask me if I am afraid that Natasha will be adopted by someone in Russia. 

Honesty, if a loving family with the right resources was able to come forward and 

adopted Natasha I would praise God. 

All the abandonment issues and worry that I have would be released

and I would be able to mourn the loss of her being our daughter and move on. 

But if a family came forward to adopt her just to collect the new incentive money 

that her government is now offering, I would cringe. 

She would be better off staying in her institution than going to a family 

who just wanted to adopt her to get the money and didn't really love her. 

So again, 

here I am trying to figure out how to push through the grief. 

Learning to push forward with day to day living that no longer

includes planning another trip back to Russia. 

Learning to try and act happy so that my family gets to enjoy life and trying 

not to feel guilty if I do let myself forget for just one moment and allow myself 

time to be happy. 

I am including the video I made for Natasha from our visits with her. 

One of the comments the ombudsman keeps making is that these children 

did not bond with us at all. 

That they do not care if we come back for them. 

But when I watch this video I see something far different. 

I see a little girl who knew why we were there. 

A little girl that understood that she was going to be loved 

and that she was getting a family.

So if I had the opportunity to talk to Mr. Pavel Atkhov this is what I would say. 

Please Mr. Pavel Astkhov, 

 watch our video and see how much we wanted this little girl to 

have a good family and how much she enjoyed our attention. 

And if you won't allow us to be that family,

please find a really good one for her. 

She is bright and funny and loving. 

We just want her to be happy and loved. 

We do not hate Russia, or it's people. 

But we do not understand your law. 

We did everything that was asked of us. 

We were invited to come to your country and meet this child. 

We were asked if we wanted to adopt her even though she 

has disabilities. 

We said yes and came home to gather the rest of our paperwork and worked
hard to make sure it was what made your judges happy. 

We would have been an amazing family for her. 

She would have had brothers and a sister who would have loved her

and helped her accomplish many things. 

Here is a link to a video showing children just like her that were adopted from 

Russia and grew in love. 

We understand that some horrible people in America have hurt
your children and you want that to change.

But we are sad for those children who will never have the chance to
know the love of a family in the meantime and the majority of Americans love
their Russian children.

If you won't allow us to love her, 

please find someone who you approve of who will. 

Because my heart will never be able to heal 

knowing that she could have had a family 

and now will grow up without love

all because we are Americans. 

We have found Peace

I would like to say that the reason we have found peace

is because we have some wonderful news to share,

but unfortunately

there is no good news.

But the last few days I have been able to 

come to peace with what is going on. 

I'm not really even sure why. 

All I know is that we have decided to put it all in God's hands. 

There is nothing more that we can do. 

We will be fasting on Sunday that God's will be done 

concerning our adoption and that we will 

be able to accept it whatever the outcome. 

We know that a new bill has been brought forward

that would allow special needs adoptions to continue. 

But things usually move very slow over there

so I do not think that this bill will be of much help to us. 

We will still be fasting that this bill passes as so many children 

like Natasha will have no hope if it doesn't. 

We know that people in our region are working on 

rallying in our behalf so that we might be able to finish our adoption

but there is no guarantee that they will be able to do anything for us. 

So we are back to waiting again. 

We should be pretty good at it by now. 

I would like to add that Natasha is in a very nice place. 

She is being well taken care of and although the director has said

he would love for all of his children to have families to love them

we know that she is safe and taken care of.

We also know that we have the prays and well wishes 

from her caregivers that we will be back for her. 

We know that her chances of being adopted if we do not go back for her

are pretty bleak. 

Only one other child has ever been adopted out of her institution 

and he was adopted by an American family. 

In a Utopian world the best thing would be for Natasha's biological 

parents to take her home. 

But there are very few resources there for children with Down syndrome. 

I still pray that someday the mentality will change and that people there will 

be able to keep their children with disabilities or that more

families there will step up to adopt them. 

But right now my heart is praying for one little girl. 

The little girl that I held and the little girl I love. 

It is still my hope that someday she will be able to come home

and today I am holding onto that hope. 

I Dreamed a Dream

Today is Natasha's 7th birthday. 

Today was supposed to be a day of Celebrating and Rejoicing. 

Last year on her 6th birthday, I dreamed of what it would be like this year taking 

her to Disneyland to celebrate. 

But today we are not Celebrating. 

Today we are not Rejoicing. 

Today we are heartbroken. 

I have gone back and forth, and back and forth about sharing 

my true emotions and feelings with the world. 

Emotions are funny things. 

I know that I am supposed to be happy and grateful for the 

things I have been blessed with in this life. 

I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy but that sometimes

things happen in our lives that don't leave us feeling happy or grateful. 

Last Friday an atrocious senseless act happened. 

And the world is mourning this week. 

And I mourn with them. 

But my heart is broken for other reasons too. 

Reasons the world does not join in with me. 

Reasons that some people just don't understand. 

You see, 

two years ago I fell in love with a little girl 

and she stole a piece of my heart. 

So much so that 

six months later I decided to try add her to 

 our family. 

In July of this year we were finally able to travel to meet her. 

 The connections we made on that day were incredible. 

And although she is not legally my daughter 

She is my daughter in my heart. 

These last 5 months have been hard.

We have had to redo paperwork, take additional training, 

redo physicals and much more.

But I gladly did them knowing that the reward at the end
would be so much more than the pain that had been endured. 

I have anxiously awaited the day we would be allowed to go back to court

to tell the judge just how much we love and want this little girl to be a part of our family. 

I have grown tired and my faith has been shaken. 

I have understood most of the things her government is wanting 

to do to protect the children from being harmed once

they are adopted. 

It has not been easy but I have understood.

I have understood that they want more of their citizens to adopt
and that they want to make sure that there is no other place for these children.

I am a firm believer that a child should stay with their biological parents
whenever it is possible.

I believe that children should grow up in their native country when possible.

But these things are not possible for this little girl.

And the older she gets the less likely her chances are of ever
leaving the institution. 

So today, 

today there are really no words for how I feel 

other than pure anger. 

The dream I have dreamed for 2 years now

is very likely not to come true. 

And it has nothing to do with safety issues or concerns for the children. 

It has to do purely with politics. 

I want to be able to hold onto hope. 

I want to believe that all will end well. 

But today I am exhausted. 

Today my heart and arms ache to hold a little girl 

that will once again spend her birthday alone. 

There will be no cake or candles. 

There will be no presents. 

There will be no trip to Disneyland. 

There will be no mom and dad to hold her and tell her she is 

loved and she is special. 

So although she has never legally been my daughter my 

heart aches so much it is hard to breathe. 

Because in my heart she is my daughter and

she always will be. 

And the sorrow I feel today I cannot put into words.

I know I should not feel this way.

I know I am supposed to have hope and faith and
count my blessings and be grateful for all I have.

I know all of this.

But my heart aches.

My arms ache.

Please pray for a miracle for us and all the other families and
children who may never be together. 

I found this video the other day and it pretty much sums up my feelings. 

And still I dream she'll come to me

that we will live the years together. 

But there are dreams that cannot be

and there are storms we cannot weather. 

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed.

Now life has killed the dream I dream. 

(If we are not allowed to complete our adoption, any money that has been donated will be given to another family adopting from a different country. If you would like your donation back I can do that too)