5/5/5 for Families

I am exited to announce the 5/5/5 for Families FB page. 

During our adoption process I thought it be great

if there was a way for families to be supported towards the end of 

their adoption. 

This is the time when you are the most exhausted from yard sales, 

bake sales, car washes, auctions, selling everything you can find worth 

any value to someone else and all the other things you have done

to fund your adoption. 

One night I came up with the 5/5/5 idea. 

It would be a minimum $5 donation 

to help 5 families

on the 5th of every month. 

Of course if someone wanted to donate $25 

so each of the families was getting $5 from them 

that would be great too. 

Most people think their small donation of $5 can't do much good

but when you put everyone's $5 together it goes a very long way. 

One of the requirements we are asking from the 5/5/5 families 

that are awarded the funds is that they pay it forward

for at least 6 months after they get home. 

We are hoping they ask their friends and family to do the same thing.

But to make this successful we need a lot of people who normally 

do not donate or know anything about special needs adoption to sign up. 

So please like and share our FB page with others. 

Let them know that their $5 will help families adopt children 

who are living in orphanages because of their special needs. 

Show them what the love of a family can do for a child that 

has never known love before.  

Here are some pictures of children that made it home from Russia 

that are celebrating the 4th of July and very grateful that 

there were people who cared enough to donate $5 to get them home. 

Vahnya

Alex

Anya and Hazel

I had the pleasure of meeting Anya and Hazel as they 

spent some time with our family in April. 

I am grateful I was a small part of getting them home. 

Please sign up to make a $5 reoccurring donation and 

help more children just like them get home to their families. 

Make sure to like our FB page too. 

Our Never Ending Journey

This post may not make a lot of sense as I have so many feelings

I want to express and I am not exactly sure how to go about doing it. 

For some reason I have a lot to blog about when I lay my head on my pillow 

at night but when I actually sit down at the computer to type them 

they all get jumbled up. 

I try to hold all my pain inside and pretend like I have managed

to move on with my life. 

But in reality, 

every moment of every single day my 

thoughts are consumed with the thought of Natasha

and how she should be home with us. 

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is try to remember

if I was able to visit with her in my dreams. 

Sometimes I am fortunate and will remember playing

with her like she made it home to be a part of our family. 

But most mornings there is just an empty feeling. 

Like someone is still missing with no hope or

end in sight. 

I can clearly remember this day in July two years ago. 

It had been a very frustrating 8 months. 

There had been so many rumors flying around as to 

why some families that were trying to adopt from St. Petersburg

had not been allowed to get their referrals. 

There was so much fear and so many horrible things

being said that I had been trying to just lay low and patiently wait it out. 

There had even been a rumor that one of my good friends had flown 

all the way to St. Petersburg and was denied being able to met

a child at all. 

Private letters and messages from secret groups were being posted

publicly on blogs and FB pages and a small part of me was beginning to 

wonder if there was something going on different than what I was 

being told by my agency. 

Yet I knew that my friend had indeed met the little girl they were trying to adopt 

and I kept being assured that I was next to get a referral date. 

So I sat patiently waiting to hear news of a travel date. 

(who am I kidding, I have never sat patiently) 

We normally received emails on Monday mornings so when Monday 

once again passed with no word I was devastated but

surprisingly shocked when I woke up on Tuesday morning with this message

Hi Katrina!

You have an appointment on July 18th! 

We need to plan your travel meeting (either this Thurs evening or next Tues the 10th), and you should contact Marina at Panorama Travel to obtain your visa's (tourist).

Congratulations!

I read and reread that email at least 5 times before I called my husband 

jumping up and down with excitement. 

I wanted to make sure I had not made it up. 

I needed to be in Russia in 14 days and they were one day ahead of us. 

So really, I needed to leave for Russia in 13 days. 

With all the drama that had been going on we decided it was best to not announce

anything publicly even though I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. 

We would let this one creepy person who thought they knew everything continue

to think that no one from our agency was being allowed to travel

and only let immediate friends and family know we were finally headed to Russia. 

Sitting here tonight I can't believe that all happened two years ago. 

I sometimes wonder what the day would have been like if I knew what 

the real outcome was going to be. 

I could hardly think straight that day yet I had to get visas, airline tickets

and hotel accommodations taken care of plus get ready for a 

4th of July Party we were having the next day. 

We were finally going to meet our girl and our happy ending would 

be just around the corner. 

But alas there would be no happy ending. 

Instead I would find myself sitting in the dark writing a blog post two years

later about Our Never Ending Journey. 

I have never had anyone real close to me die before so I 

truly hope I do not offend those who have 

but this has been a worse than death type experience for me. 

The reason being is that there is no real closure. 

There is still a child I love that is very much alive stuck in an orphanage

far away that I will never see again

yet somewhere in the back of my mind there is HOPE. 

I sometimes wonder if I could have done something more to change things. 

Every waking moment of every single day I think that maybe 

just maybe things will change in the near future and somehow 

we will be reunited. 

I don't know why

but some days it's the HOPE that wounds me.

It's the HOPE that doesn't allow me to move on and try to 

imagine my life without her. 

Because she lives. 

Alone. 

In an orphanage. 

With no mom or dad. 

Stuck. 

And my brain just cannot understand that concept. 

How can a child that is wanted stay stuck in an orphanage

when she has parents who would get her in a heartbeat if there was no

law preventing them from doing so? 

How is it that people can be so cruel as to tell us we don't 

really love this child and that she is not our daughter

when no one else has ever stepped forward to claim her as such? 

There are some days I wish I could go back to that day in July 

and change things. 

That somehow the creepy person could have been right and instead of getting 

a travel date I would have gotten an email stating that 

our agency was no longer allowed to send families for referrals. 

I wonder if the pain would be less if I had never met her. 

If she had not sat upon my lap and kissed my cheek. 

If I had not softly stroked her head when she ran into the wall

or had not laughed with her when she threw the ball. 

But then I think how this one little orphan girl got to be loved

and feel special for 3 whole days. 

That for the first time in her 6 years someone came to visit her 

and brings gifts just for her. 

That someone taught her how to communicate and cared about 

what she wanted and thought. 

If our time with her for those 3 days brought her any joy at all

then it is all worth the pain and heartache I feel every single moment 

of every single day. 

Someday, somehow she will know that she was in our thoughts

and hearts and we loved her from thousands of miles away.

Our journey will forever be our never ending journey. 

Because no matter how hard I have tried 

there is just is no moving on or getting over her. 

She will live in my heart and dance in my dreams until the day we meet again. 

Children of the State - Documentary

I have been very busy collecting and cleaning stuff

to sell at the consignment sale so I can 

donate the money to Downside Up. 

So I have not had a lot of time to blog. 

But I did want to announce the release of the documentary trailer that we are in. 

Children of the State

I am very excited for this upcoming documentary

because it is done by a Russian film crew and 

will have both English and Russian subtitles. 

The goal of the film is to raise awareness for the children being

raised in orphanages. 

It is for all Nations to come together to help them. 

It is not a documentary that focuses on Americans adopting Russian children

as the solution but does show us as one of the families who were trying

to adopt when the ban happened. 

Those opposing international adoption were also interviewed 

and allowed to express their opinions on how things should be done to fix the problem. 

The goal is to come together with all ideas that can help the children 

not have to grow up in orphanages. 

One of my ideas is helping organizations like Downside Up that help families

stay together instead of feeling their only option is to give their children to the orphanages. 

I am not sure how much of that made it into the documentary but it is one idea

that I will be devoting more time to on my blog. 

Of course, my idea does not help those children who are already stuck 

in the orphanages so other ideas need to be expressed. 

I have also heard that in Moscow they are once again working on getting all 

the children into foster homes and closing the orphanages. 

There is a wonderful woman working on this and much is being done due to this documentary

that will be shown in St. Petersburg this month. 

The problem still remains that not very many resources exist for children with special needs

and without providing resources for the foster families things could actually be worse

for the children than in some of the orphanages. 

So there is lots to be discussed as this is not going to be an easy fix. 

I have been accused of thinking Americans adopting 

Russian orphans is the only way to help and I want 

to once again express that is not my view at all. 

I honestly believe that children should live in their first 

families first when at all possible. 

Then they should be adopted by local families if there is no first (biological)

family option for them.

But I do think that keeping a child in an institution when all other options 

have been exhausted just because the family who wants to adopt them is from a 

foreign country is very wrong. 

I have also been accused of not caring that children who have been adopted from 

Russia have been hurt and killed here in the US. 

Again, this is not true. I do care that the US has failed these children

and do feel that something needs to be done to better protect them. 

Our group did speak with Washington DC about things we thought 

would help and asked them to relay this to the Russian government. 

Obviously things are very complicated between the two countries

right now and so no negotiations are being done. 

I believe both countries are at fault when it comes to 

negotiating on behalf of the children and families who were stuck in the process.

I do not believe American adoptions should have been completely 

shut down leaving children to grow up in orphanages. 

Most of the children have been placed in other homes but 

that does not help those who were not and have very little chance 

of finding a family in Russia who feels capable of taking on their needs 

if the government does not step up with resources to help them.

I do feel this documentary is important and needs to be seen all 

over to help raise awareness for the children. 

The documentary will be shown in film festivals first before

being released as a DVD or for download. 

We need to generate as much publicity as possible on the FB page

to show that there is a large amount of people who care

about the Russian orphans and to make sure the documentary is successful. 

Please take a moment to watch. 

Then like the FB page and invite your friends to do the same. 

Day 4 - Documentary Filming

I figured I had better finish writing about my trip as it 

has now been a month since I have been home. 

The Olympics hit me hard and I just haven't felt like dealing with 

my emotions or blogging. 

Just very grateful they are over so now the Russian orphans can

go back to being ignored without Russia being in the spotlight everyday 

and we desperately hoping someone would actually care. 

I did watch some of the Olympics and think Russia did

a great job hosting them and that 

all the athletes did a great job too. 

Just very glad they are all over. 

Now to finish writing about my Russian adventure.

So on Sunday morning we woke up late as usual.

We didn't have to meet the documentary team until 12:00 p.m. 

so we were really in no hurry to get out of bed. 

Sunday morning was when we figured out we had a fridge in our room. 

That would have been nice to know the night before so 

we could have put our left over cheese in it. 

Instead we just threw it away. 

I made my usual apple oatmeal and ate my oranges for breakfast 

and was able to make some nice hot herbal tea. 

We had been told we would be going out to be filmed for the 

documentary so I dressed as warmly as possible. 

When N arrived (that is the producer of the film)

he told us he would like to start up in the hotel room. 

He wanted to film us just talking in the room and also film us 

with our luggage like we had just arrived. 

This part actually made me laugh as it is nothing like the night we arrived

because when he filmed us I only have on my sweater and am 

pulling my carry on. 

The night we arrived we looked like we had been traveling for over 20 hours

and I had 2 huge suitcases, a carry on and a backpack. 

Plus I was completely bundled up. 

Anyway, he only filmed us getting off the elevator with our 

carry ons  and walking into our hotel room. 

Then he wanted us to pretend we were unpacking stuff as we talked 

about our plans for the week. 

It was a little awkward at first as we talked first of events 

that had already happened and then we 

started to talk about things that were still coming up. 

Next we stepped out into the hall so he could film us talking with the snow falling 

in the background. 

It was very interesting to me the different scenes he was trying to capture.

We were getting the hang of it pretty well and our conversations were 

flowing naturally.  

N even complimented us at one point and said he 

had never seen anything like it in all of his documentary making. 

He said it was as if we had scripts we had rehearsed and were professional 

actors that were very believable as the real people in the story. 

I commented that we had been living this day in and day out for 

at least 3 years and so it was very natural for us. 

It did get easier as the taping went on but it is very strange to 

have someone following you around with a camera as you are 

"pretending" to discuss the adoption ban and what steps you are trying to 

take so that the child you love will end up being taken care of. 

Next we headed out to the taxi. 

I had thought we were going to be getting out and walking around outside but it

turns out we were just to tour the city in the taxi and 

talk and point to buildings as they passed. 

N had to tell me what buildings we were passing as I really had no

idea what they all were. 

By this time I had pretty much been talking nonstop for over an hour

and was very tired. 

N asked me to just sit and silently look out the window. 

Of course that is when the tears just started to flow. 

I sat looking at this grand city that I had planned on visiting under

very different circumstances. 

I thought of how Natasha was supposed to be there with me. 

How I had planned on taking her for a tour of Moscow

and letting her see her very impressive heritage. 

All the emotions that I had been trying to keep bottled up for so long

came pouring out down my face for whoever will be 

watching the documentary to see. 

I guess it made for some good film making though. 

Our next stop was to go and eat dinner with Julia and her family. 

N had planned on bringing his wife and daughter with us but 

his wife was ill and not able to come. 

I really wanted to meet her and hopefully will someday. 

Once we got to Julia's we took off our shoes and put on slippers

before entering the house. 

This is a new concept for me as we have all tile in our house and we just 

keep our shoes on. 

After seeing how dirty our boots got in Russia I now understand why they 

have you put the slippers on. 

It was so wonderful to meet Julia's family. 

Julia had prepared a wonderful meal for us and 

it was so nice to have homemade food. 

We were filmed during some of our mealtime too

but the conversation flowed very naturally. 

I don't know if I can really express how great our time was with Julia

and her family. 

It felt like we were just part of the family and had known each 

other for a very long time. 

I did not take many pictures of that day because

well, I had a camera following my every move. 

So here are the two I managed to get. 

I really need to learn to use Photoshop because this is the best picture 

of everyone else but the one with my eyes closed. 

At least I am smiling. 

The other one Julia looks mad and Sasha has his eyes closed. 

So I am taking one for the team and I get to be the one who looks

really silly in the picture. 

This one is with Renee, me, N and Julia. 

We tried to get Julia's son in the pictures too but he was having 

nothing to do with that. 

He was much more interested in my iPad. 

I guess if I was 6 that would probably be what I preferred too. 

Sasha took us back to the hotel so we could rest up for Monday's 

big adventure. 

It was decided that we would take the Metro to the stop 

where Downside Up is at. 

Julia would meet us at the stop and then walk us to Downside Up

as it was too hard to try and tell us exactly how to get there. 

You will learn later it was hard enough for us to just get to the stop

so it's a good thing we didn't have to figure out the rest on our own. 

On the way back to the hotel I think Renee slept most the time. 

I enjoyed talking to Sasha and he pointed out some 

historical buildings to me. 

He told me about all the different countries he has been to as 

he is a journalist and follows President Putin around on most of his trips. 

He even told me a funny story of being in America. 

This happened when George W. Bush was President. 

There were on the ranch doing an interview when a man

 came walking behind them and asked how they liked it there. 

It was the other President Bush. 

Sasha said it was on of his favorite memories. 

Sasha is the journalist who questions President Putin in a press conference 

about the ban right after it happened. 

I wish I could find the link to that press conference as it really was a powerful 

question coming for a man who was not only a journalist but an 

adoptive father. 

He and Julia really are impressive people and I felt honored 

to be counted among their friends. 

I will hopefully blog about our day at Downside Up on 

Thursday as my interview is supposed to finally air that night and 

I will have the link to add here. 

P.S. I am sorry if this post was boring to read. 

As more time passes it is harder for me to remember everything that 

happened and so it is what it is. 

Broken Promises - Guest Blogger

I am very grateful to Patti for allowing me to guest blog today on her blog. 

I will get back to posting about my trip to Russia but 

for now please stop by Patti's blog and please share with your friends or on your blogs. 

Thanks for all the kinds words of support. 

Praying that one day these little ones will have families. 

http://babynumber10.blogspot.com/2014/02/broken-promises-post-that-needs-to-go.html

Day 3 - Sight Seeing

We woke up Saturday morning unsure of our plans. 

We were told we would be doing interviews but weren't really 

sure when those interviews would be done. 

There were several discussions that morning and at one point 

all we knew is we had a birthday party to attend that evening. 

Renee had a friend who lived in Russia that interpreted for her when during her adoptions. 

  But the media also wanted to use her to interpret for us on TV. 

Elena, Renee's friend, was a little concerned about doing this as she had never 

interpreted on TV before. 

It was finally determined that we would put the interviews off until Monday

and we would just go to the birthday party in the evening. 

That left most of Saturday to do nothing. 

So it was decided that we would go sight seeing. 

Our hotel was within walking distance of Red Square. 

And it was a warm 9 degrees outside with the 

sun shinning. 

So we bundled up and went on a nice brisk walk. 

I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't feel too terribly cold. 

The only problem was I could not feel my face or my lips. 

Here is the first picture we took at a fountain right outside the Kremlin. 

I didn't get as many pictures as I wanted because my camera was at

the bottom of my backpack and I had to pull my gloves off to use it. 

Umm did I mention it was 9 degrees out. 

Pulling my gloves off a lot was not something I really wanted to do very often. 

So right across from the fountain is this view of the Kremlin.

This next picture is an eternal flame at the tomb of the unknown soldier. 

It was very interesting to see the same tribute paid to Russian soldiers as we do to 

American soldiers. 

I felt very bad for the poor soldiers who stand there and freeze protecting the tomb. 

Next we headed towards St. Basil's Cathedral. 

I was not prepared for the emotions I would feel when I stood in front of it. 

You see

for years now I have watched families celebrate the last part

of their adoption journey by taking a farewell picture at St. Basil's with 

their newly adopted child. 

I had dreams about what it would be like to stand there with Natasha. 

I had forgotten about that until I stood there in front of the building 

and busted out in tears. 

All the tears that I had shoved deep inside came flowing out

and froze to the side of my cheeks. 

The realization that I was not there to stand in triumph and 

celebrate the finalization of our adoption but 

instead to be in Moscow to beg a Russian family to adopt her

all came flowing out in those tears. 

The tears come again even as I type this. 

As I watch the Olympics tonight and they don't even bother to mention 

the children left behind. 

Tears of sorrow and tears of anger. 

Such a beautiful amazing building and it brings to me nothing but tears. 

I am so grateful that Renee was there with me to be a 

shoulder to cry on. 

After my meltdown

we walked closer to St. Basil's and noticed there were

ice sculptures inside the gate. 

I thought I at least took pictures of them on my phone but

can't seem to find them so I guess not. 

Remember,

I was freezing. 

We went down the road and up a bridge to get a better view 

of Red Square. 

Why not

it was such lovely weather. 

This is the view from the bridge. 

We now decided we were cold and hungry

so it was off to the shopping mall. 

As we passed the ice skating rink I took the time to take

the only Olympic photo I would remember to take the whole trip. 

As I watch the Olympics tonight I am kicking myself for not 

finding the time to walk to the store where they were selling all the

Olympic gear. 

Once we reached the shopping mall food court 

I frantically began stripping off all outer clothing because it

was so warm inside. 

We legs were still freezing though as I think they had just realized 

how numb they were once they were allowed to warm up a little. 

Renee had been craving Russian Dumplings

or Pelmeni as known by it's Russian name. 

We were the only people standing in line for Russian food. 

Most people were in line for Subway, KFC and Burger King. 

 

This is not a picture I took. 

This picture looks like it must be Summer time because

when we were here everyone had on coats and hats and it was much

more crowded. 

I very much enjoyed my pelmeni. 

It was so crowded that Renee and I were at separate tables

trying to save a spot for Elena and her husband. 

When I gave Renee her food I didn't realize I gave her both 

the forks. So I ended up stabbing my pelmeni 

with a knife and dipping it in my sour cream and eating it that way. 

I also ordered a diet coke and in Russia you 

get no ice with it. 

I guess they figure it is cold enough outside you don't need ice. 

Next we went through some shops. 

I had wanted to see if I could find a nice warm stylish Russian fur hat. 

I found one similar to this and asked Elena how much it would cost in 

dollars. She told me around $125 because it was real fur. 

I decided against that for two reasons. 

1. $125 is a lot to spend on a hat when you live in So Cal

2. If I wore a real fur hat in So Cal someone might shoot me. 

So I decided to stick to the hat I made on the plane on the trip to Russia. 

It wasn't nearly as stylish but it only cost me $5 to make

and was doing ok keeping my head warm. 

Renee was really excited because we found a Dunkin Donuts in the mall. 

I guess they have really good coffee. 

Renee lives on one meal a day and about 5 cups of coffee. 

So she was very excited to find Dunkin Donuts as they don't have them 

where she is from. 

I ordered a nice hot chocolate to try and warm up before braving the 

nice frigid air we would be walking back to the hotel in. 

We all decided it was time to go because we all needed to use the restroom. 

The only problem was we didn't have any rubles to do so. 

No free potty at the mall. 

You wanta pee you gotta pay. 

So we walked back to the hotel fast. 

Elena and her husband left us after they safely got us back to our hotel. 

After going potty we decided it was time to go find the store 

we had passed on our way to the Embassy. 

It wasn't too far away and we were so excited to find 1 liter of water

for only 27.50 rubles. That's around $1. 

The next problem was we couldn't read if the water was still or 

had bubbles in it. So we opted for both. 

We figured we could boil the bubble water. 

We also purchased some bread and cheese. 

(Russian cheese is the best ever). 

We did forget that we were supposed to bring our own 

shopping bags but the clerk was very nice and gave us one

so we could carry our loot back to our hotel. 

I did forget to mention a funny experience I had with ice. 

I can't remember exactly when it was so it may have been that morning. 

Time seemed to run together while we were there. 

Anyway, 

Remember I am the cheapest person alive. 

So in my quest to find cheap water I had a brilliant idea. 

Inside our hotel room was an ice bucket. 

I figured if there was an ice bucket that meant there was an ice machine. 

WRONG. 

I walked all around the hotel looking for that dumb machine and finally 

stopped and asked a maid. 

She took the bucket from me and asked me what room. 

About 20 minutes later room service brought me up a bucket of ice. 

Now I was left to wonder how much my free bucket of ice was going to cost

since it came from room service. 

My plan had been to allow the ice to melt and use it for drinking water. 

Needless to say, 

my plan backfired and I was not sure how much it was going to cost me. 

When we checked out I did not see a charge for ice so I guess I still got it free

but I didn't try that stunt again. 

I was grateful the store had water I could afford. 

After our trip to the store we did our nightly routine of checking in with family 

and checking emails and Facebook. 

The next morning we would be meeting with my documentary team and heading 

to dinner with Julia, one of our journalist. 

We decided not to venture out that night to the birthday party. 

We were so tired and did not feel up to trying to figure out the taxi system. 

Washington Post Article

This morning when I woke up and checked my emails.

I opened the one from the journalist at the Washington Post

with the link to the article he wrote about me. 

Here is the link 

Washington Post Article

I am too emotionally and physically exhausted to blog about Day 3 of 

my trip so tonight I will just post about the article and some about my day today. 

When being interviewed for an article you are taking risk. 

You are hoping the journalist thinks the things you think are important will be 

important to them too. 

You hope you answer the questions of those you know will find reasons to hate you. 

You hope that somehow your article will do good and that more people 

will care about the issues you care about. 

I think the journalist did a pretty good job of telling the story

but of course there are things I would change.

First, 

I spent almost 2 hours speaking to this journalist. 

We spoke about why I was there, 

what I was hoping to accomplish, 

why I still felt an obligation to this little girl, 

and why I felt I was not allowed to adopt her. 

I brought up several times that I felt the US needed to take greater

measures to protect the children who had been adopted. 

That a group of parents had gone to Washington with a proposal of 

changes we would agree to if we were allowed to adopt. 

I do not know why most articles choose to not report about the abused children. 

Most people who are trying to adopt are well aware of them. 

We do not agree with the way the government has handled it along

with a lot of things our government has done. 

We have been unsuccessful in getting our government to do anything about this. 

The fact remains that a child with special needs stuck in an orphanage

is far more likely to be hurt and abused there than they would be if adopted

by an American family.  

That does not mean American families who do horrible things to these children

or any children should not be punished. 

But punishing all the children who met prospective families is not the way 

to fix the problem either. 

Next, 

We never told Natasha we were her parents. 

Her caregivers told her that. 

Even if they had not told her that she is old enough to figure it out. 

We were the only people EVER to come visit her. 

So if an American family comes and spends 3 days with you 

what are you supposed to think they are there for? 

I also never said I thought the child was bonded to us. 

My comment was that she knew we were there for her and by the 

3rd day came running to us and did not want us to leave. 

We know that once she came home there would have been a lot of issues 

with bonding as she has been an orphan for 8 years. 

While I am happy the journalist mentioned Downside Up I really wish 

he would have focused on it more. 

I honestly believe the way to help solve the orphan crisis is to 

have more families actually keep their children with special needs. 

The only way this will happen is if there are more programs and support for 

organizations like Downside Up. 

Since they started their organization over 15 years ago they have made a huge

difference in the number of families that keep their children with DS. 

It used to be that 95% of children with DS were given up to the orphanages. 

Last year that number was closer to 40%. 

Downside Up works in all the regions to help families even though their 

office is located only in Moscow. 

They could do so much more if they had more funding and had 

locations in the other regions. 

Now to explain why I am so exhausted and to answer those lovely comments

that ask why not adopt from the US foster care system. 

Most people who read my blog know that my adorable princess is 

adopted from foster care. 

Her story is a heartbreaking one as is any story where a child is

removed from their birth family by force. 

Here is the short version of her story. 

She was taken at 2 months old because her parents had been shaking her and had drug issues. 

We fostered her while doing parental visit with her birth family for 19 months. 

At 17 months it was determined her birth family had made enough progress 

they could have weekend visits with her. 

I would drop her off at the halfway house for the weekends to a place 

I would not willfully drop an animal off to if I had a choice. 

Her birth family loved her. 

They just were not capable of taking care of her. 

I will not discuss all the reasons I feel this way because I don't want to air it all out here. 

The social worker was iffy on if she should be placed back with them or not. 

But the weekend before court her birth parents called us and said they 

would like us to adopt her and they would relinquish their rights. 

They asked if they could still be a part of her life and we agreed 

as long as they would abide by our strict terms of no drug use

and no drama. 

To this day we still our shocked that this was the outcome for our princess and 

after watching her birth family for the last 4 years do some really stupid things

we are very grateful that she did not have to be a part of them. 

Eighteen months ago, 

right before we traveled to meet Natasha, 

we were told by the birthmom that she was pregnant again. 

I was cautiously optimist that she might actually get her act together 

and be able to raise this baby. 

There was a different father once again 

and I was hoping he might be able to do things differently. 

Unfortunately, just like she did with the previous 5 children,

mom got the baby taken away. 

And when did I receive this news.....

My 5th day in Russia. 

Sometimes I think God has a weird sense of humor. 

Here I am in Russia trying to find a family for a little girl my heart aches to bring home

and Nevaeh's birthmom is calling us begging us to take care of the baby 

while she tries once again to get her life together. 

Today was the meeting to determine what home would be best for this little guy
while the parents try to reunify. 

I do not know what he's outcome will be as it is a very complicated case. 

All I know is that foster care is not this easy you go pick up a kid and live
happily ever after thing.

No adoption every is.

There is hurt and loss in any adoption.

It is not God's first plan for families but it is a necessary plan
when the first one fails.

There are two sides to adoption
Love and Loss.

It doesn't matter where it is from or how it happens
there are people who lose.

There is joy in adoption but there is also
much pain to work through.

There is no system that works perfectly in adoption.

So my outrage tonight with those wonderful 

"What about the children in the US"

and 

"Why don't people just adopt from foster care" 

is HUGE. 

HUGE I tell you. 

I do not know if I have the strength or energy to fight anymore. 

Tonight I am so very tired.

Tired of all the criticisms by people who sit by and do nothing but 

criticize those who are trying to do something. 

Tired of screaming for children that no one seems to care about. 

Just so very tired. 

Maybe it's the jet lag

I don't know. 

But I feel like I could sleep all week and I would still wake up exhausted. 

One quote the journalist did not put in is one I kept saying over and over again. 

I am not going away. I will continue to fight. I am not going away. 

So tonight I am going to bed but I am not going away.