Helping Orphans and Eating Healthy

In my attempt to try to heal from our failed adoption I have 

decided to start blogging again. 

But now in hopes of honoring Natasha's name and the journey we have been on

my blog will mostly be dedicated to helping other orphans

find families, helping families bring orphans home, helping orphans stay in their

first families and helping organizations that help children with 

disabilities. 

The way I plan on doing this is by sharing my weight loss and healthy eating journey with 

all of you. Anytime you purchase something from my affiliate links the money will be donated to

one of the above causes. 

Right now the money will go to help Prudence find a forever family and

help with the cost of her adoption. 

In the blog header you see the photo of me at a weight that is more 

than I even weighed at 9 months pregnant.  I was 

usually so sick the first 6 months of pregnancy I lost weight instead of gaining it. 

So when I came home from having my almost 9 pound babies I would 

actually weigh less than I did before getting pregnant. 

Nursing always seemed to put my weight back on but I never

got up to more than my original 140 pounds since getting married. 

I am 5 feet 2 inches tall so even weighing 140 pounds I felt fat

but I had no idea that I would ever weigh 180 pounds. 

Unfortunately after losing a baby at 6 months pregnant, going through 

an extremely difficult foster care adoption and then having a failed Russian 

adoption that is where I found myself and I felt devastated that I let myself get that unhealthy. 

As a P.S. I weighed 165 when we were in Russia meeting Natasha. 

(The photo above)

I ended up gaining 15 pounds over the next year after the adoption ban happened. 

 On July 19, 2014, two years after meeting Natasha and at a current weight of 180 pounds

I decided I needed to make a HUGE change and fight to get my health back. 

I was so depressed and had no energy. 

My addiction to sugar was OUT OF CONTROL. 

I happened upon a FB post about Trim Healthy Mamas (link to my affiliate account)

and I decided to give it a try. 

The first four months were FANTASTIC.

I lost 20 pounds, no longer craved sweets or carbs and was feeling wonderful. 

Then December 2014 came. 

I don't do well in December because that is the ban anniversary and Natasha's birthday. 

So like I normally do, I sat and eat my feelings. 

And between December 2014 and now I gained 13 pounds back. 

Last week I decided enough is enough. 

I know how to take the weight off. 

I know how I feel when I am not fueling my body with junk. 

So here we are and since Tuesday (today is Friday) I have lost 3 pounds. 

This blog will help me stay accountable coming into my most difficult month

and to top it off I will most likely be having my uterus removed next month. 

I am going to prove to myself that I can eat right and be healthy 

and fight for orphans all at the same time. 

If I can do it SO CAN YOU!!!!

Come along and join me by Helping Orphans and Eating Healthy. 

If you don't know about our failed adoption story and all we 

are doing to try to get Natasha home this article I wrote for 

The Moscow Times is probably the best one to read even though

there are many others. 

Now for the part most of you have been waiting for......

Today's lunch was a S meal. 

I made myself fried chicken and a large salad. 

I will work on my photo and food blogging skills but for

now this will have to do. 

For the fried chicken I used

THM Baking Blend. 

I am in LOVE with THM Baking Blend. 

If you purchase nothing else from them I would highly recommend

you at least get this product. 

I do have a link Here you can use to make your own low-carb flour

but I have found Almond Flour to be very expensive and it is just 

easier to get this premixed stuff. 

Ok, back to my fried chicken recipe.

If you want to call it that. 

I will work on getting you a better recipe because I know 

a lot of people don't like to hear use the word sprinkle in a recipe. 

I used 1/4 cup Baking Blend

2 TBSP Dried Grated Parmesan Cheese

a couple shakes of Dill Weed

a couple shakes of Rosemary

a couple shakes of Oregano

and a pinch of Red Pepper Flakes

Mix together really well and set aside. 

Pour just enough olive olive in the bottom of the pan 

to cover it. 

Turn heat on high. 

I purchased thin chicken breast. 

I have a thing about thick chicken breast and I don't feel like pounding on it

so I purchased it thin. 

Take one egg and beat it well. 

Place the chicken in the egg and turn over. 

Then place the chicken in the flour mixture and coat well. 

Put the chicken in hot oil fry pan for about 3-4 minutes on each side. 

I had a lot of left over egg mixture and batter so I probably 

could have made 2 more chicken breast with this mixture. 

For the salad I just throw together whatever veggies I had in my fridge. 

I like snap peas, cocktail cucumbers, grape tomatoes, 

red bell pepper, avocado and a lettuce mix. 

You can make your salad however you want but you need

to stay away from high carb veggies. Snap peas and tomatoes are

a higher carb veggie and I usually only put in small amounts. 

For my dressing I used ranch dip. 

If I make my own ranch dip it doesn't have sugar added like ranch dressing. 

I then dip my salad in my dressing instead of pouring it all over. 

I hate when my avocado turns brown so pictured below is the 

best way I have found for keeping it green. 

I cut it in half and then in fourths. 

I use one forth each time but leave the skin part

to put the avocado back together. 

Then I wrap it all tightly in plastic wrap. 

To finish off my lunch I had what I call a cheat. 

I have been really good about not eating sugar but there are some things I just have to have. 

So I compromise. 

I took 1 TBSP Nestle's Dark Chocolate Chips and melted them for about 15 seconds

in the microwave. 

I then added about 1/4 cup mixed Omega Nuts I purchased from Costco. 

You can use any nuts but I suggest you not use ones that have added salt. 

I mixed this all together and stuck it in the fridge while I ate my lunch. 

When I was done I had a wonderful yummy dessert that 

I liked and didn't feel the need for a Snickers bar. 

I have tried to make THM skinny chocolate and gag each time

I make it. 

I have tried about 10 different recipes and hated each 

and everyone one. 

So I figure that 8 grams of carbs and 6 grams of sugar was not 

going to kill my eating plan. 

But sneaking off to the store to get a Snickers bar just might. 

Anyway, I look forward to eating healthy with all of you and 

helping out the orphans in the process. 

Mr. Presidents, will you hear us?

Just popping in on my blog to give a few updates. 

I recently wrote an article for the Moscow Times that you can read here.
I had named the article Mr. Presidents, will you hear us?
but I guess they wanted a more direct title so it was changed.

The article was very difficult for me to write as I just
wanted to have them help us promote the documentary.
They said they had many articles on the ban so they wanted
our personal story.

I have had to put a lot of my emotions in a box to be able to live with
the pain of Natasha growing up in an orphanage.
So it was very difficult to try and bring those emotions back out
and still be able to function for the rest of my family.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Natasha
but I have learned to hide my pain on most days
so it was not a lot of fun to relive those days that happened almost 3 years ago.

The anger that grows inside of me as I think about how long it has been
and how much older she has become while growing up in an orphanage when
she had a family who loved and wanted her can be debilitating at times.

So sometimes I pretend it hasn't been that long.
Sometimes I pretend it has just been a few months
and I will wake up from this nightmare and she will still be 6.

Because the reality of knowing that she will soon turn 10
is so painful and maddening that I really can't emotionally deal with it.

I also receive emails weekly from people around the country that are not
Americans who have similar stories of loving a Russian child and
then having their adoption stopped due to politics.

They reach out to me because they fill so alone and hopeless
and the burden I feel to help these children grows even bigger.

Recently I received a disheartening email from a family in Spain that
had been trying to adopt a child but were told his uncle would not approve it.
Then a few months later they found out a Russian family was allowed to adopt him but
that family returned him to the orphanage a few days later.

They have been desperately trying to find the child again to see if they could still
adopt him but no one will help them find the child.

So many children who could have had families. Their stories
are heartbreaking and rarely heard.

This is why I keep fighting for them.
Someone has to yell for the forgotten children.

Recently I was interviewed for a new documentary along 

with several other families who were trying to adopt from Russia, 

Bill Browder (got congress to pass Magnitsky Act) and 

Miles Harrison (his son died because he forgot him in the car and the ban is named after the child)

I have not seen the whole film yet but have been told it shows the different sides of
why the ban happened and how the US government has not heard our cries to make things
right and help get the children who met families home. 

Here is the trailer for "To the Moon and Back"

Right now we are waiting to see if the film will be 

accepted into the Heartland Film Festival in October. 

It is our hope to get the attention of our government to help us

negotiate with the Russian government on behalf of the orphans left behind. 

If you would like to follow along with the film's progress please

go like the FB page. 

Remember to follow the Parents United for Russian Orphans FB page too. 

That is where we keep people updated on what they can do to help

keep this issue alive. 

I also get to see updated pictures of Natasha as her orphanage post 

some on their FB page. 

Here are some of her on Children's Day at their celebration. 

She loves to dance

Her orphanage is really good about putting on special activities to celebrate holidays. 

I love to see her being so active and being well taken care of. 

Still hoping and praying for a home for her and 

hoping she knows how very much so is loved. 

World Down Syndrome Day 2015

I am little late on getting this blog post out. 

I have been so busy on twitter and FB that I often forget about my blog. 

Sometimes I choose not to write because it is just too painful. 

You would think after almost 3 years I would have come to grips with the 

fact that Natasha is never coming home to us but I just can't let her go. 

(This picture is on her orphanage's FB page. The children are performing for a celebration and she is the one on the far right jumping up. I love to see her looking so happy and that they do so much with the children) 

No matter how hard I try she is in my ever thought. 

She is the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning and the

last thing I think about when I fall asleep at night. 

I will continue to fight for her and the other children stuck in 

Russian orphanages for the rest of my life. 

The problem is trying to get those who actually have some sort of  influence

to change things to come along side and join me in my fight. 

Until then I do what I can on FB and Twitter along with 

continuing to do interviews in Russia. 

My latest interview is scheduled to air in April and shortly after that

hopefully the Russian documentary will be shown on a major TV channel.
I will keep you all posted when I know more information.

We also have two other documentaries that will be coming out shortly. 

Right now I have decided to focus my efforts on something that I hope will 

help make a tremendous change in the lives of children with Down syndrome in Russia. 

Because if we really want to end the orphan crisis the best way to do that 

is to keep children from becoming orphans in the first place. 

I have written about Downside Up on my blog before and will continue to do so 

whenever I can. 

They are an AMAZING organization that has brought about so  much good 

since they were founded 18 years ago. 

They not only work in Russia,  

they supply educational materials and resources 

to many other countries as well. 

For World Down Syndrome Day 

they produced this amazing video with photos 

of  Mothers with their children that have Down syndrome. 

The little girl singing the song also has Down syndrome. 

I encourage anyone who loves and cares about Russian orphans to go support

Downside Up. 

I encourage anyone who loves and cares about children with Down syndrome

to go support Downside Up. 

Recently DSU allowed several children from the orphanage

to come and participate in their educational program. 

Right now they don't have a lot of funding to help the children 

in the orphanages but they are helping keep them out of the orphanages 

and I can't imagine supporting a better cause than that. 

Please come join me and support them too. 

You can make a monthly donation here that will 

help so many children stay in loving families. 

Right now a 500 ruble donation is less than $10. 

Do you have $10 a month to help keep children from 

becoming orphans? 

Adoption is wonderful and I love helping families afford to adopt but I 

also truly believe so many children could be helped if the families who wanted to 

keep their children had the resources to do so. 

Merry Christmas Natasha

Russia and our children celebrate Orthodox Christmas today. Last year we were able to have our Christmas Letter published in a Russian Newspaper. This year the newspaper will not be running it as they are nervous about retaliation that seems to be happening to anyone who appears to sympathetic to those who are caught in the adoption ban. So this year our letter will have to be published here.The English translation is below the Russian letter.

https://www.facebook.com/parentsunitedforrussianorphans/photos/a.303473346507895.1073741828.301412936713936/320092148179348/?type=1&theater

28 декабря 2012 года, мы пережили трагедию, котораянавсегда изменила нашу жизнь и жизнь детей которых мы не смогли взять на усыновление. Федеральный закон от 28 декабря 2012 года № 272-ФЗ «О мерах воздействия на лиц, причастных к нарушениям основополагающих прав и свобод человека, прав и свобод граждан Российской Федерации». Направлен чтоб разорвать ниши связи с этими детьми.

Для наших любимых детей :

Мы Хотим описать несколько слов об нашем отношении к детям. Мы, Американские родители которые второй год не могут забрать детей которые находиться в детских домах. В праздничные дни Рождества и Нового Года с надеждой выражаем наши желания и просьбы в решении проблемы которая возникла с препятствием вышеуказанного закона.
Стремление каждого родителя дать всё самое лучшие для своих детей, окружить их заботой и вниманием чтобы их жизнь была полноценной и насыщенной. К сожалению из за принятого закона в реальности мы лишены такой возможности подарить счастье, заботу и любовь таким детям.

В течении нескольких месяцев мечтая о встречи с детьми, недели тратя на подготовки их приезду. А также общаясь с ними дети стали желанными и любимыми членами семьи и заменили часть нашей души. Они оставили глубокий и неизгладимый след в наших сердцах. Несмотря на время и расстояния , наша любовь к ним продолжает расти и мы надеемся что настанет тот прекрасный день когда мы снова сможем обнять их.
Уже второе Рождество мы разделены от детей сирот, но мы молимся что через наши молитвы они почувствуют нашу любовь, тепло и заботу которую мы бы хотели дать этим детям. Пусть в эти праздничные дни произойдут чудеса чтобы у этих детей была любящая семья, сказки рассказанные на ночь, поцелуи утешения и поддержки, совместный семейный отдых, праздничные дни рождения, любящие бабушка и дедушка и родители которые будут гордиться этими детьми.

Мы снова просим и умоляем вас пересмотреть закон который запрещает усыновлять детей сирот с проблемами здоровья лишая нас возможности забрать их в свои семьи и подарить свою любовь и дать им обеспеченное будущие. Мы очень надеемся на положительные результаты в решении данной проблемы. Не смотря на настояния и препятствия наша любовь к детям все равно не угаснет.

С любовью в это Рождество,

Для Ирины , Андрей Weatherford и Кристен Ingram
Для Даши и Анны , Мэтт и Джули Маршалл
Для Дарьи , Стюарт и Танна Смит
Для Светлана , Ясон и Алисия Davidson
Для Дмитрия и Арина , Эрик и Сара Петерсон
Для Даша, Nate и Джули Nate Кувшин
Для Николая , Кайл и Кара McIntee
Для Маши , Джаред и Кристал Уильямс
Для Никиты , Джонатан и Алисса Питтмана
Анастасии , Роберт и Донна Томас
Для Валерия , Стивен и Катрина Morris
Для Василия , Иоанна и Эми Jupin
Для Марии , Деннис и Синди Бойер
Для Анастасии , Иисуса Навина и Дженнифер Джонстон
Для Богдана и Юры , Марка и Пэм Романо
Для Артема , Павел и Мишель Мосли
Для Оксана, Джоди Джонсон
Для Екатерины , Х. Эрни долине , младший и Джейми Meadows Долине
Для Ивана , Джефф и Сара Оуэнс
Для Юлии , Лорен Мосты
Для Николоз , Уильям и Tona Crooker
Для Максима , Бритт и Хайме Vanchura
Для Даниэля , Барри и Сьюзен

On December 28, 2012, we experienced a tragedy that forever changed our lives and the lives of the children we were forced to leave behind. The Dima Yakovlev law intended to sever our ties to these children, however, our love knows no bounds. As the American parents of the children who remain in orphanages and institutions on this second Christmas apart, we share the following hopes and wishes for this day and every day forward.

To our beloved children:

It is every parent’s hope they will leave this world a better place for their children. Beyond our primary goal of ensuring you are cared for and loved, we wish so deeply for your life to be better, easier, and even more fulfilling than our own. The reality of being unable to provide you these opportunities, to influence your future and ensure your happiness, continues to be unimaginable.

Through the months spent dreaming of you, the weeks spent preparing for your arrival, and every second of every day we were able to spend in your presence, you became a cherished and loved member of our family and a piece of our soul. We are bound to you by something far more permanent than a piece of paper, the deep and lasting imprint you made on our hearts. Despite time and distance, our love for you continues to grow and the hope that we may hold you in our arms again one day remains strong.

On our second Christmas apart, we pray you feel this love and it surrounds you with the warmth and comfort we so desperately wish we could be there to provide. You deserve the magic this holiday season brings to all children and so much more. You deserve a loving home, goodnight stories, kisses when you fall down, family vacations, birthday parties, grandparents who spoil you, and parents who are proud of you.

We ask once again, with pleading hearts, for President Putin to reconsider our request to bring you home where you will be loved wholeheartedly and provided every opportunity to reach your potential. Regardless of the outcome, please know we will not give up. Our love will continue to find you across the ocean and our days will continue to be filled with thoughts of you.

We hope the next time you look up at the sky you will feel our presence. We see the same clouds and wish on the same stars as you.

With love this Christmas,

For Irina, Andrew Weatherford and Kristen Ingram
For Artem, Paul and Michelle Mosley
For Daria, Stuart and Tanna Smith
For Svetlana, Jason and Alicia Davidson
For Dmitry and Arina, Erik and Sara Peterson
For Dasha, Nate and Julie Nate Pitcher
For Nikolai, Kyle and Kara McIntee
For Masha, Jared and Crystal Williams
For Nikita, Jonathan and Alyssa Pittman
For Anastasia, Robert and Donna Thomas
For Valeria, Steven and Katrina Morriss
For Vasily, John and Amy Jupin
For Mariya, Dennis and Cindy Boyer
For Anastasia, Joshua and Jennifer Johnston
For Bogdan and Yura, Mark and Pam Romano
For Ivan, Jeff and Sarah Owens
For Oksana, Jody Johnson
For Ekaterina, H. Ernie Valley, Jr. and Jamie Meadows-Valley
For Dasha and Anna, Matt and Julie Marshall
For Julia, Lauren Bridges
For Nikoloz, William and Tona Crooker
For Maxim, Britt and Jaime Vanchura
For Daniel, Barry and Susan

Parents United for Russian Orphans

I know I have neglected this blog for far too long. 

I have been actively working with Russian activist and have been active

on FB but my heart has not been into blogging. 

I went back with a group of moms to DC again in October. 

They had pretty much forgotten about us and were amazed there was anyone

remaining who still wished to adopt the child they met in Russia. 

As far as we can tell from the information we have gathered approximately

30 children who met families still remain in orphanages 2 years later. 

There are approximately 30 more who had been given to families

as referrals that still remain on the database too. 

We once again talked to them about ways they could help 

make things better for the children who had already been adopted from Russia

so that the Russian government might consider allowing those stuck in the pipeline 

to still be adopted. 

Like usual they put the blame on the Russian Government as being uncooperative 

and then talk about how things are very strained with Russia right now

so they basically have no hope of things changing. 

We continue to work with groups in Russia that help

families stay together instead of putting their children in orphanages

and with journalist who help the orphans with special needs find homes. 

There have been a small number of successes and we rejoice when this happens. 

We also join our Russian friends with their frustration about propaganda that tries to claim 

there are less orphans now since the ban and that there is a waiting list of families

trying to adopt. 

That is why together we have created Parents United for Russian Orphans. 

Our goal is for people around the world to come together to help the children stuck in Russian orphanages by providing information and supporting groups that help the children have better lives. We are begging the Russian government to bring about change for the better and continue to ask them to work with our government to allow the remaining pipeline children to come home. If this is not possible, we pray the children will speedily find loving homes in Russia and that the government will provide the necessary support system for them.

In honor of Natasha's 9th birthday and the 2 year anniversary of the adoption ban please join together with us to get 10,000 likes on the Parents United for Russian Orphans FB page by the end of the year. 
https://www.facebook.com/parentsunitedforrussianorphans

Natasha was only 6 years old when we met her and agreed to adopt her. She has spent an extra 2 1/2 years in an orphanage because of the adoption ban and most likely will spend the rest of her life without ever knowing the love of a family if changes are not made.

We also have a  blog and this beautifully written article by Russian journalist and volunteer for Downside Up Julia Kolesnickenko that has links to our documentary that will be shown in Russia on December 13th. We are praying someone in Russia that can help the children will see it 

and soften their hearts to do so. 

http://parentsunitedforrussianorphans.blogspot.com/

Here is the direct link to the trailer of the documentary. 

It is in Russian and English with subtitles. 

It will be in film festivals around the world in 2015. 

Thank you for your continued support in helping us on our adoption journey.
We will never stop trying to help Natasha or the other orphans in Russia. 

5/5/5 for Families

I am exited to announce the 5/5/5 for Families FB page. 

During our adoption process I thought it be great

if there was a way for families to be supported towards the end of 

their adoption. 

This is the time when you are the most exhausted from yard sales, 

bake sales, car washes, auctions, selling everything you can find worth 

any value to someone else and all the other things you have done

to fund your adoption. 

One night I came up with the 5/5/5 idea. 

It would be a minimum $5 donation 

to help 5 families

on the 5th of every month. 

Of course if someone wanted to donate $25 

so each of the families was getting $5 from them 

that would be great too. 

Most people think their small donation of $5 can't do much good

but when you put everyone's $5 together it goes a very long way. 

One of the requirements we are asking from the 5/5/5 families 

that are awarded the funds is that they pay it forward

for at least 6 months after they get home. 

We are hoping they ask their friends and family to do the same thing.

But to make this successful we need a lot of people who normally 

do not donate or know anything about special needs adoption to sign up. 

So please like and share our FB page with others. 

Let them know that their $5 will help families adopt children 

who are living in orphanages because of their special needs. 

Show them what the love of a family can do for a child that 

has never known love before.  

Here are some pictures of children that made it home from Russia 

that are celebrating the 4th of July and very grateful that 

there were people who cared enough to donate $5 to get them home. 

Vahnya

Alex

Anya and Hazel

I had the pleasure of meeting Anya and Hazel as they 

spent some time with our family in April. 

I am grateful I was a small part of getting them home. 

Please sign up to make a $5 reoccurring donation and 

help more children just like them get home to their families. 

Make sure to like our FB page too. 

Our Never Ending Journey

This post may not make a lot of sense as I have so many feelings

I want to express and I am not exactly sure how to go about doing it. 

For some reason I have a lot to blog about when I lay my head on my pillow 

at night but when I actually sit down at the computer to type them 

they all get jumbled up. 

I try to hold all my pain inside and pretend like I have managed

to move on with my life. 

But in reality, 

every moment of every single day my 

thoughts are consumed with the thought of Natasha

and how she should be home with us. 

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is try to remember

if I was able to visit with her in my dreams. 

Sometimes I am fortunate and will remember playing

with her like she made it home to be a part of our family. 

But most mornings there is just an empty feeling. 

Like someone is still missing with no hope or

end in sight. 

I can clearly remember this day in July two years ago. 

It had been a very frustrating 8 months. 

There had been so many rumors flying around as to 

why some families that were trying to adopt from St. Petersburg

had not been allowed to get their referrals. 

There was so much fear and so many horrible things

being said that I had been trying to just lay low and patiently wait it out. 

There had even been a rumor that one of my good friends had flown 

all the way to St. Petersburg and was denied being able to met

a child at all. 

Private letters and messages from secret groups were being posted

publicly on blogs and FB pages and a small part of me was beginning to 

wonder if there was something going on different than what I was 

being told by my agency. 

Yet I knew that my friend had indeed met the little girl they were trying to adopt 

and I kept being assured that I was next to get a referral date. 

So I sat patiently waiting to hear news of a travel date. 

(who am I kidding, I have never sat patiently) 

We normally received emails on Monday mornings so when Monday 

once again passed with no word I was devastated but

surprisingly shocked when I woke up on Tuesday morning with this message

Hi Katrina!

You have an appointment on July 18th! 

We need to plan your travel meeting (either this Thurs evening or next Tues the 10th), and you should contact Marina at Panorama Travel to obtain your visa's (tourist).

Congratulations!

I read and reread that email at least 5 times before I called my husband 

jumping up and down with excitement. 

I wanted to make sure I had not made it up. 

I needed to be in Russia in 14 days and they were one day ahead of us. 

So really, I needed to leave for Russia in 13 days. 

With all the drama that had been going on we decided it was best to not announce

anything publicly even though I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. 

We would let this one creepy person who thought they knew everything continue

to think that no one from our agency was being allowed to travel

and only let immediate friends and family know we were finally headed to Russia. 

Sitting here tonight I can't believe that all happened two years ago. 

I sometimes wonder what the day would have been like if I knew what 

the real outcome was going to be. 

I could hardly think straight that day yet I had to get visas, airline tickets

and hotel accommodations taken care of plus get ready for a 

4th of July Party we were having the next day. 

We were finally going to meet our girl and our happy ending would 

be just around the corner. 

But alas there would be no happy ending. 

Instead I would find myself sitting in the dark writing a blog post two years

later about Our Never Ending Journey. 

I have never had anyone real close to me die before so I 

truly hope I do not offend those who have 

but this has been a worse than death type experience for me. 

The reason being is that there is no real closure. 

There is still a child I love that is very much alive stuck in an orphanage

far away that I will never see again

yet somewhere in the back of my mind there is HOPE. 

I sometimes wonder if I could have done something more to change things. 

Every waking moment of every single day I think that maybe 

just maybe things will change in the near future and somehow 

we will be reunited. 

I don't know why

but some days it's the HOPE that wounds me.

It's the HOPE that doesn't allow me to move on and try to 

imagine my life without her. 

Because she lives. 

Alone. 

In an orphanage. 

With no mom or dad. 

Stuck. 

And my brain just cannot understand that concept. 

How can a child that is wanted stay stuck in an orphanage

when she has parents who would get her in a heartbeat if there was no

law preventing them from doing so? 

How is it that people can be so cruel as to tell us we don't 

really love this child and that she is not our daughter

when no one else has ever stepped forward to claim her as such? 

There are some days I wish I could go back to that day in July 

and change things. 

That somehow the creepy person could have been right and instead of getting 

a travel date I would have gotten an email stating that 

our agency was no longer allowed to send families for referrals. 

I wonder if the pain would be less if I had never met her. 

If she had not sat upon my lap and kissed my cheek. 

If I had not softly stroked her head when she ran into the wall

or had not laughed with her when she threw the ball. 

But then I think how this one little orphan girl got to be loved

and feel special for 3 whole days. 

That for the first time in her 6 years someone came to visit her 

and brings gifts just for her. 

That someone taught her how to communicate and cared about 

what she wanted and thought. 

If our time with her for those 3 days brought her any joy at all

then it is all worth the pain and heartache I feel every single moment 

of every single day. 

Someday, somehow she will know that she was in our thoughts

and hearts and we loved her from thousands of miles away.

Our journey will forever be our never ending journey. 

Because no matter how hard I have tried 

there is just is no moving on or getting over her. 

She will live in my heart and dance in my dreams until the day we meet again.